Holidays and Stuff

So I have been sick on and off pretty much through the whole holiday break. I hate being sick when festivities are afoot. I am surrounded by food and I don't have the stomach to eat it. So since I was bummed to begin with, I decided to read The Bell Jar. I finished it with enough time left over to help my nephew build the Krusty Krab with Legos. I have pictures of said Krusty Krab, but I have been too lethargic to take them off my camera. You will just have to use your imagination and picture an eight year old and a girl way too old to play with Legos, squealing with delight at having finished their holiday project and now they can get to the real fun of playing make-believe in the land of Bikini Bottom - I call Squidward!

Sleep deprivation and stuff

So I haven’t posted in a while and it is not because something exciting has happened. Excitement for me is bringing home a brand new jar of processed cheese/salsa. I haven’t been posting because all of my mental ability has been focused on finishing my school work. I have spent the last two weeks languishing in my own personal version of hell – paper writing. It never fails that when I have to sit down and regurgitate the information my mind through some miracle retained, I freeze up. It is like someone threw a wrench in my head cogs and everything grinds to a halt. I can barely remember my name let alone anything that resembles scholastic knowledge. Some people call it writer’s block, some people call it a brain fart – I call it proof that I should never again have to write another paper. From now on I will prove that I have indeed learned something through the use of interpretive dance. Look for my performance of “Hamlet, now with extra Jazz hands” on YouTube.

Thanksgiving and junk

So I haven't been very good at posting lately, mostly because I haven't been around a computer and because I've been sick, like yak up my food sick. Anyhoo as you know last week was Thanksgiving or the day my family teases me incessantly about being a vegetarian. I find the best part of Thanksgiving is when my sister tries to get Hoshie to actually sit in a chair and eat something made up of solid matter. I'm convinced the kid survives on anger and the occasional block of cheese. I never saw Hoshie put any food in his mouth, but I did hear the screams of rage he emitted throughout the afternoon as a result of having to play with actual human beings as opposed to something manufactured by Nintendo. My family was able to enjoy the meal, content in the knowledge that while he may not be getting his daily intake of protein, he has more than enough rage to sustain him through Independence Day.

Chilly

"So Hoshie, I heard that you ate lunch with the Principle because you're such a good student."

"Yeah"

"What did you have?"

"Chili, in a bowl, it was plastic."

Nature Crouching

My sister and I like to go to the Art Stroll our community has the first Friday of every month. Our stroll always involves me drinking one glass of wine and for the rest of the evening having no volume control (total lightweight). It makes for a fun time when you are looking at abstract art, "OH, IT LOOKS LIKE GRANDMA'S FAKE NAILS, YOU KNOW AFTER SHE HAS MADE STUFFING AND BREAD CRUMBS ARE STUCK ALL UP IN HER NAIL BEDS!!!!!" That Friday one gallery we stopped at was featuring photography from various artists. My sister and I started at one end of the room and at about the third wall, we came across of photo of feet, but they were not just feet, they were feet at the beach. It took me a minute before the whole context of the picture came to me and when it did, "IT'S SOMEONE PEEING, THEY ARE CROUCHING ON THE BEACH - PEEING!" Normally peeing on the beach would not elicit such a strong reaction from me unless said urination was occurring on my Spongebob towel. However, I was giddy from my glass of wine and I still laugh at what my mom refers to as bathroom jokes, i.e. any joke involving things that take place in a bathroom. The photo was one of many in what I am referring to as the artist's "urination" series. All featured women in various locations answering the call of nature. By the time I reached the last picture I felt bad for my initial reaction because I believe in the artist's right of expression. This artist was trying to say something and I was too focused on remembering that time when I crouched the wrong way on a hill. As a show of penance I offered to purchase "Crouching in the forest" for my sister, but she declined. I think she preferred "Crouching in a field."

My persona makes most men run away

Read My Result
Take the Test

The SonnetDeliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf)

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth

CONSIDER: The Loverboy

I tried to get him to meow like that Grudge kid, but he would only scream

So Halloween fell on a Tuesday, holidays are never as fun when they fall on weekdays. How can you truly party if you know that you have to appear at your respective job, competent and fully-clothed, in eight hours? Not that I had anywhere to party, I spent the night hanging with Shakespeare and Hoshie and trying to be in the same room with those two is hard. Shakespeare feels that Hoshie doesn’t “get him.” I don’t really “get him” either, but I am good at faking like I do. I was also bummed because my costume didn’t work. I was planning on dressing up as Stuart from Mad TV, but I bought my costume at the last minute and I ended up looking like Bill Gates would if he had just lost a lot of weight. I had pictured in my mind, looking almost exactly like Stuart, except without the crossed eyes, because my eyes don’t do that (the only trick they perform is focusing exactly one foot in front of them and no more). Hoshie’s costume however, turned out fantastic. He was a ghost and you would have thought that my sister would have laid off the face paint because the kid already glows in the dark, but she didn’t and the result was half ghost, half kid from The Grudge. I immediately asked him, “What does a cat say?” hoping to get that creepy cat sound from him. Instead I received a little non-menacing, “meow.” I said, “no, you have to think feral cat with rabies and a severe case of mange – rrrrrrmeoowwwwwrrrrrrrr.” He refused to say it and I told him that Hollywood would never take him with an attitude like that and as his agent I was entitled to 20% of his candy.

Typical Halloween Talk

“I love The Lost Boys. Any movie that features vampires with mullets is automatically the best.”

“And earrings”

“Yes, man jewelry does add to the appeal. I also enjoy the movie with the cat people.”

“Cat People?”

“No, the other cat people. The mother and son cat people.”

“The one where they can be defeated by actual cats and slutty people.”

“Yes, that one.”

I would have pressed the issue but his scream makes my ears bleed

This weekend I spent some quality time with Hoshie. I went to my sister’s house to pick her up for our weekly walk (I have to try and fight my butt from taking over the entire southern portion of my body) and when I walked in the door I came upon Hoshie. For a moment I thought I was in the wrong house and then I thought someone had replaced my Hoshie with one that did not have game paddles surgically attached to his hands. Upon further examination I realized that it was indeed my Hoshie. Translucent skin: check; Permanent scowl: check; Smells of cheese and anger: check. What threw me off was the fact that he held in his hands a piece of paper, plain, simple, non-electronic paper. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that he was doing his homework. He was answering questions to a story he had just finished reading, The Little Red Hen. I remembered that story well as it taught me the valuable lesson that all lazy asses would starve unless they had money to eat out. Thank god I have money to eat out. Hoshie had to fill in a multiple choice test using the information he gathered from the story, i.e.

The Little Red Hen was:
A. Underpaid because she worked in Walmart’s bakery
B. Extremely happy that the no-carbs diet disappeared
C. Stressing over outsourcing to country where the dog, cat and pig would not only work, but would do it for a fraction of the cost

One of the questions asked how the dog, cat and pig felt at the end of the story. The answer choices ranged from happy to various states of misery. Hoshie chose happy. I went through the end of the story with him and asked him if he thought that the dog, cat and pig were really happy given that they were going to starve. Hoshie said yes they were happy. When I asked him why, he said that they wanted to help. Yes Hoshie, but they only wanted to help after warm, yeasty goodness was denied them. I felt very strongly that said animals would be somewhat saddened at the prospect of having to resort to eating manure yet again. Hoshie however was convinced that they all were extremely happy at the end and I have to give the kid credit for having such a positive attitude. Me I picture the dog, cat and pig plotting some horrific revenge on the condescending hen, one involving bees, a viola and some Boudreaux’s Butt Paste.

Same old Same old

So I have nothing really to talk about this week because my life is THAT BORING. The most I can say that I accomplished was I informed some people that the building they work in smells like feet (I just love verbal diarrhea) and then I hounded my friend for details on my secret crush. "What does his hair look like today and how does he smell?" Both very important questions. My friend, apparently felt differently as he informed me that he is not that comfortable sniffing another man. I would sniff random strangers for him, but he can't do me a solid by leaning in close to the man that I think about WAY too much. Where is the love?

Weekly Recap

So here is a rundown of my week since I am too lazy to actually post something daily and only one day contained anything remotely interesting. Unless you find talk of shopping for a minestrone soup that doesn’t make me yak interesting. That interesting day was today and the thing that made today interesting was a visit from my sweet nephew Hoshie. I had been telling my co-workers Hoshie stories for months. I would tell them how he wouldn’t eat unless you shut off all power within a two block radius in order to pry him away from his Game Cube. I told them how when he did eat, he would only eat things that were made of cheese or entirely hidden by cheese. I told them how, when I asked him to shut off his electronic crack, he would write scathing notes about how he “hats” me and then would proceed to scream when I asked him to elaborate as to whether he Bowler or Fedora “hats” me. Needless to say, the kid has become something of a legend in my office. So today when he came with his mom to visit me, I was worried that he would be extremely angry because he was forced to do something that didn’t involve a game paddle. However he was actually quite sweet and proceeded to leave three sticky notes on my desk. One said, “I love you.” One said, “Your the best.” And the last one had a portrait of me that I have entitled “Via of the Giant Hands”. It was really quite sweet. My coworkers all remarked that Joshua was very cute, very pale and only smelled a little of cheese and anger.

Red Bull gives me stomach cramps

So I tried my first Red Bull today, not because I was curious, but because I give in very easily to peer pressure. Oh my God! My hands are shaking as I type. My head feels funny and I’m sure it is my stomach that they are hearing in the House of Leaves. I’ve realized that I should not drink Red Bull for two reasons. Reason 1: I consume way too much caffeine during the day and the addition of a Red Bull sends me into some sort of caffeinated psychosis. Reason 2: Aspartame makes me violently ill. Why I didn’t read the ingredients before I chugged, we’ll just chalk it up to my unbridled enthusiasm at trying something that tastes like liquid Spree. I have learned my lesson and will steer clear of Red Bull, until I forget said lesson as I do with all lessons I learn (see hair cut incident).

Nerd, Geek or Dork

So I took this online quiz (THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST) and here are my results -

Outcast Genius - 60 % Nerd, 65% Geek, 82% Dork
For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in all three, earning you the title of: Outcast Genius. Outcast geniuses usually are bright enough to understand what society wants of them, and they just don't care! They are highly intelligent and passionate about the things they know are *truly* important in the world. Typically, this does not include sports, cars or make-up, but it can on occasion (and if it does then they know more than all of their friends combined in that subject). Outcast geniuses can be very lonely, due to their being outcast from most normal groups and too smart for the room among many other types of dorks and geeks, but they can also be the types to eventually rule the world, ala Bill Gates, the prototypical Outcast Genius. Congratulations! - I could have guessed on the outcast thing, but the genius part was a pleasant surprise.

My fantastic, social butterfly of a sister took it as well and here are her results -

Joe Normal - 34 % Nerd, 26% Geek, 17% Dork
For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored less than half in all three, earning you the title of: Joe Normal. This is not to say that you don't have some Nerd, Geek or Dork inside of you--we all do, and you can see the percentages you have right above. This is just to say that none of those qualities stand out so much as to define you. Sure, you enjoy an episode of Star Trek now and again, and yeah, you kinda enjoyed a few classes back in the day. And, once in a while, you stumble while walking down the street even though there was nothing there to cause you to trip. But, for the most part, you look and act fairly typically, and aren't much of an outcast. I'd say there's a fair chance someone asked you to take this test (her outcast genius sister did). In any event, fairly normal. Congratulations!

I should have known that all those years of watching Doctor Who would stunt my social growth.

So Miller has decided to join me in the quest for additional knowledge. Actually my quest is to become a dilettante. If Miller joins me in this quest, then perhaps if you put us together in the same room, between the two of us, we would have enough knowledge on one particular subject to actually call ourselves proficient. Another plus would be that he could take a seat between me and the boy who giggles every time Shakespeare uses “know” in the biblical sense.

I am really bummed out. My first choice for a band name - Goatwhore - is taken. I will now have to go with my second choice -

Hair - Part Deux

"Have you seen the hair cutting scissors? Did you hide them?"

My mom cut it

I have this issue with my hair. It is unruly and I’m pretty sure that it is planning a coup to take over my entire head so that I will look like Cousin It or that freaky chick from The Grudge. This week I was so fed up with it that I was almost tempted to cut it myself. Fortunately I remembered the follicular disaster of 2001 and I resisted the impulse to make myself look like Jeff Bridges from Dumb and Dumber. I was stressing because I my hair was driving me insane and I kept referring to myself as “Scraggly Ann.” Unfortunately, money is a tight right now and will be for a while so a salon visit was out of the question and I only trust my hair with people I know - people who will flatter it and get its cooperation long enough for them to cut it and run away before it turns them to stone. However, desperate times call for desperate measures so I asked my mom to cut my hair for me. This is a HUGE leap of faith on my part. My mom has not been allowed to touch my hair since she gave me a mullet in the sixth grade.
The haircut started out fine, a harmless snip here a harmless snip there. Next thing I know she has this intense look on her face, the kind of look my nephew gets when you feed him too much cheese. She was upset because she couldn’t get the sides even. She kept cutting and cutting until the topmost layer looked like Moe from the Three Stooges and the bottommost looked like Jane Fonda’s hair from Klute with the middle layers striking out in all directions as a form of protest. In order to cease the hair slaughter, I convinced her it looked fine and ran and hid the scissors. The next day I stopped by my mom’s office so she could see how my hair looked after I applied every hair product known to man to my scalp. Her entire office laughed, including my mother and offered suggestions on how to fix it. At one point my mother grabbed the scissors from her desk and I ran out of that office faster then Hoshie from toys that don’t plug into the wall. I’m hoping that I learned my lesson, but knowing me and my inability to remember what happened five minutes ago, my hair will probably be subject to her scissors as soon as the memory of “Moute” has faded.

Can’t keep my big yap shut

So I have this problem with telling EVERYONE about my secret crushes. “Hey everyone who works in his office – I have a crush on your coworker – be sure to gossip about this around the water cooler in front of him.” “Hey random person on the street – I have a crush on this guy – let me describe him to you in precise detail and tell you exactly where you can find him.” You’d think that given my HUGE mouth he would have found out about my crushing on him. Fortunately, I don’t think he has because he doesn’t avoid me yet. I do suffer from constant teasing, thanks to my friends who frequently compare him to some type of hotdog that I should smother in relish. I am now unable to look at him without picturing him drenched in mustard. Curse you Chapstick!

He keeps coming back for more

I really need to stop with the eulogies for Miller cuz he keeps coming back and that is a good thing. He is far more eloquent than I and he has more chest hair. Anyhoo, while he was off communing with nature, I was left here wondering who would eat all the crap on the floor of my car. I also spent that time distracting myself in class with thoughts of men I have seen in very loosely based Shakespeare movies. This week the professor informed us that we are going to read Taming of the Shrew, beyond that I have no idea what happened in class - Heath Ledger is super fine!

MY ADVENCHURE THRU DA NORTH

So I just got back from the final and last great North American Fronteir--no im not talking about Alaska...im all about....YUKON!! Out of the blue a few weeks ago, my friend called me up and asked me to accompany him on his move to Valdez Alaska. It took 4 days to get there (annonomys location to Alaska). I had some really good experiences and some that were not so good--like the night I camped on the side of the road in Alberta and I woke up to the sound of a massive rainstorm at 4 in the morning!! My bag was ******* wet! Anywho...we finally made it to my most favorites of locations...YUKON. The mountains there are so damn big there, the rivers are so rapid, the trees are so thick, the sky so wild, and the animals so gargantuan that it makes man feel as small as a mere gust of breeze in a wild, wild country!! I loved it. The faces of the people there held stories of hardship...an arduous existance to be sure. Alaska pales in comparison...

I highly recommend a trip to Yukon..be prepared to pay 9 dollars for a gallon of milk, and 5 bucks for a loaf of bread...but its worth it!

Alaska was nice. I miss it already. While gazing at her many incredible glaciers, I wonder how many men served her appetite by falling in the numerous crevasses! Alas, I love Alaska. You will have to ask me one day about how I woke up next to an Equadoriana one morning in the outskirts of Valdez! Thats a whole notha story /....mutha truckas!

I miss Via a lot. I havent abandoned this project. Im still here, Via. Via is one of my good buddies...shes way cool...if anyone wants her number just leave a comment and Ill give it to you.
Dating a girl who likes to suck blogs is a good thing..trust me!

Miller Machiavelli

Shakespeare in Lust

I started my first class this week – Graduate Seminar in Shakespeare. I was nervous because I am entering this program with no real background in English other than I do a good job of hacking the language to pieces whenever I open my mouth. So I’m sitting in class the first day, very excited, pen in hand, ready to furiously copy down every word out of the professor’s mouth. She starts to give a little background on dear Will and she happens to mention the movie Shakespeare in Love. Next thing I know 10 minutes have gone by and I have no idea what occurred in class during that space of time. I did not black out, nor was I taken up in an alien spaceship for a quick bit of probing - I was deep in thought. Deep in thought on Shakespeare - Joseph Fiennes’ Shakespeare, the one with the fantastic brown eyes and extremely kissable lips, not the dude who looks somewhat constipated on the cover of my textbook. I recovered from my daydream in time to catch the beginning of the discussion on Hamlet – Kenneth Branagh looks REALLY good tormented.

Further proof of freakdom

So I have problems relating to people. If I said it before, it bears reiteration - weird is an adjective that is used frequently to describe me. It used to bother me and I tried to tone the weirdness down, but it didn’t work. Weird is an integral part of who I am. I have found that weird and socially awkward tend to go hand in hand. Case in point – what happened today. I have these “secret crushes” which are crushes that basically everyone I know knows about, except the crushee. I like to keep it that way and hope that they are never the wiser. Those in the know say “oh don’t worry, they’ll be flattered” if the worst case scenario of crushee enlightenment occurs. It actually ends up as “Oh My God! That strange girl who seems to be constantly dressing as Napoleon Dynamite likes me - Must disappear NOW!” As a result I have learned to be so low key that people can never tell who I like unless I tell them and I tell a lot of people – I will never be recruited for covert operations. This works for me - has for years despite most of the planet knowing their identity.

Today I happened to run into one of my secret crushes who informs me that he has run into my mother, my lovely mother who says to him, “So you’re *****, I’m Via’s mom.” With NO OTHER explanation as to why she knows who he is, she left it at that and he relayed it like that and I turned the brightest shade of red (Al Gore could put me in his slide show with the caption – “Global warming leads to world’s worst sunburn”). He said, “Your mom is really nice.” I reply, “mkoajeyeahmfaoeij dajodjbrainnotworkingdakdja daoidjfakjbyekjaojkk” (statements in red actually intelligible words). I could have come up with some fantastic excuse for why my mother knew about him, but NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO, I was blind-sided and all I could do was stand there and mumble. The freak strikes again! AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Happy B-Day Jack Black!

Big thanks to Chapstick for reminding me of today's importance and for being The Black Project's one and only fan!

Back to School

So I've been running around frantically this past week trying to get ready for a new year of school. I am excited and a little scared. I am entering a new program and this semester will be the trial run, make or break time. I'm hoping that I make it. I know that I am dedicated to working my scrawny butt off (at this moment - see next sentence). I'm just worried that my talent will fall short or that a bright, shiny object will distract me and suddenly I'll want to pursue water polo as my life's ambition. On the plus side, I have no social life to cut into my study time.

Words of Wisdom from TP (the person - used for conversing not wiping)

"I really don't mind cleaning toilets. I like to be wet."

I’m pretty sure you just violated the 3 second rule

So I’m hanging out with Miller (he no longer blogs with me, but we are still buds). We had decided to go and get some lunch. We jump in my car - David Hasselhoff like (Miller currently lacks mechanized transportation) and we head down the street. Next thing I know I hear Miller say, “Mmmmm Starburst, my favorite.” I’m about to ask for one when I realize that Miller doesn’t have any Starburst on him, said Starburst have been sitting on the floor of my car for god knows how long because I am terribly lazy and I don’t bother to clean my filthy filthy car. If you searched the floor of my car you would probably find a pair of fluorescent parachute pants and a can of Crystal Pepsi – that tells you how often I clean it. I shriek in horror, “DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT HAS BEEN THERE!?!” To which Miller replies, “It’s still good.” I shrug and decide not to focus on the fact that I’m sure he just ingested a biohazard but instead focus on the bright side - I have one less piece of garbage in my car.

Swapping Spit

I remember the first time I realized that kissing could involve more than the very PG pressing of CLOSED lips. I have my neighbor to thank for that (it is not what you are thinking). My mother was always very mindful of what movies my siblings and I were allowed to watch. They were G or PG, absolutely NOTHING else. Fortunately for us my mother was gone a lot and left my older brother in charge. As the designated caregiver my brother was always a little too busy running around with his friends finding new and unusual places to crap instead of being mindful of what we were watching. My sister and I took advantage of the lax supervision and invited our neighbor over to watch movies – HER MOVIES. Our neighbor, having cool parents, had access to the best PG-13 movies available. One fateful afternoon the movie she brought over happened to be “Dirty Dancing.” I LOVED Patrick Swayze with his fantastic mullet, kick-butt dance moves and lines that would move me to tears – “nobody puts baby in a corner." Damn right Patrick you give that Law & Order guy a piece of your mind and after that – do a sexy dance for me. It was exposure to that movie that had me spending hour after hour passionately open mouth kissing i.e. breathing Fruit Loop breath on my pillow in an attempt to duplicate Patrick and Jennifer’s kissing scenes. It took me a good two years before I realized that there was actually tongue involved and then I felt really stupid and really relieved that in those two years I didn’t try breathing heavily on someone (that’s strictly for phone use only). When I did swap spit with my first beau I remember wondering why it wasn’t as romantic as the movies made it out to be and why my face felt like it had just been smacked with a really wet rag.

The Birds

Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel like you just stepped into a scene from a movie? I had always hoped that I would have one of those moments and that my moment would be the one from “Sixteen Candles” where Molly Ringwald comes out of the church and Jake Ryan is waiting for her outside, leaning on his red sports car. Alas my moment would have to be the one from “The Birds” where Tippi Hedren looks out the window only to find that birds have taken over the lawn.
So I came home from running errands Saturday and found what had to have been a dozen or so magpies standing on my back porch squawking loudly. I had never seen magpies do this before. I was immediately freaked out, because in my paranoid mind they were planning my untimely demise. It is not actually that far fetched that birds would plan my demise, I was once dive bombed by a crow in a parking lot. It scared me so bad that I almost choked on my juice box. It would have made more sense if I had nest hair, but my hair has no volume whatsoever. Miller’s hair looks like a nest, I call it the “Eagle’s Nest.” It is very majestic, like you would picture an eagle’s nest being. Anyhoo, I decided to open the door and do the whole crotchety “What the HELL are you doing on my porch!?!” routine only I would feel horrible if I actually did yell at them so it would have come out more like “Yeah, sorry to bug you, but you’re kind of pooping on my hose.” Anyhoo I opened the door and all the birds flew off, all but one. This bird happened to be lying on the pavement, feet sticking straight in the air. My first thought was “OH MY GOD! BIRD FLU!” I screamed and slammed the door. My step-dad had to dispose of the poor dead thing. He told me that the bird had died of old age and that you could tell this because its legs were wrinkly. I think that he said this because he desperately needed the saran wrap I had used to create my sterile bubble suit. In the end I accepted his explanation and formed my own opinion for why the birds all gathered around squawking at their dead comrade. That bird possessed some knowledge he had yet to share. Knowledge that would have changed magpie life forever. Randall (yep, I named him) the smartest of all the magpies had figured out the plot to “Syriana.”

Freaky Deaky

I absolutely love this blog – Diary of a Freak Magnet. I have spent most of my life feeling that I was a freak magnet as well. However, recently I discovered that I am not a freak magnet - I am in fact a freak (I knew there had to be some reason why all my dates kept referring to me as “weirdo”). While a lesser person would perhaps slip into some kind of depressed funk (one in which they spend all their time creating their own batch of Storm Troopers out of earwax). I have not. I have embraced my freak status and it in turn has given me the freedom to allow my Id to take control. I am free to speak without running the dialog through my poorly operating inner monitor - you know the thing that is supposed to stop completely spastic things from becoming audible. I can verbally spaz to my heart’s content. I can get away with wearing a picture frame as jewelry, I am actually thinking that frames should be the next jewelry fad and they should be distributed by a company called “You’ve Been Framed.” These may not seem that freaky to some, but in the context of my life, they are. I will of course be coming up with new freaky things to do in the future, as soon as freaky replaces my current and primary adjective – lazy.

Adios Miller

So Miller is moving onward and upward and I will miss him. I say I because I am the only one who reads this blog - probably because our/my blog postings are frequently very short and frequently infrequent. I blame myself, I am extremely lazy and suffer from frequent mental blocks (I think I still might be trying to define Quality). Anyhoo, I will miss Miller’s contributions – his poetic rants about poor pastry-related customer service, his quoting of all things “Wayne’s World” and his amazing photographs (my dendritical photos tend to make all things floral look like a sea-witch had her way with them). Miller, your presence will be greatly missed. Our blog has now been downgraded from “teflon hot” to just plain soppy.

So last weekend I discovered a whole new form of transportation...."WaterHitchin"

So im stuck on the shore of this enormous lake called Red Fish lake up in the Sawtooths and I'm tired as hell and the last thing I want to do is lug my backpack and my fat arse to the trail head to go home, Soooooo, I notice lots of boats hanging around the shore with their passengers swimming around...I take the opportunity to ask one of the drivers for a lift and sure enough...I was picked up immediatly. I had to work for my passage, however. For the 15 minute ride back to the trailhead, I had to man the orange flag (the symbol that a man is in the water)..

I had a great time WaterHitchin and just know that I INVENTED IT!!!!!!!

Miller

Recognition

"Didn't I just see you walking down the street?"

"Was I scratching my butt?"

"No"

"Then it wasn't me."

Squidgy is in the house!
So there is an out of town visitor at the Ferrata house. Which is the reason I have not been posting lately, that and extreme laziness. Anyway, she takes after her Aunt Via in many ways - she loves carbs, said carbs go straight to her thighs, television puts her in a trance, she tends to drool and lint gathers in her armpits. It's like I have my own Mini-Me.

"You complete me!"

"You've sinned away your day of grace ... BIMBO"

So I went and saw Nacho Libre this weekend and it was funny. Not as funny at Napoleon Dynamite (is it wrong that I can completely relate to him?) but still funny. You should stay through the credits because Jack Black sings a really funny song, something about love and a horse. I can't remember the words because my brain has been filled with the wondrousness of AFI for the past week. Anyhoo if you don't decide to check it out in theaters you can always enjoy it in your quarters, with some toast.

NACHOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo










So Nacho Libre is in theaters this Friday and I am EXTREMELY excited! I haven't been this excited since I discovered that Jeff Goldblum was watching me poop!

Would embracing my inner tree-hugger mean I could never again shave my pits?

So one of my friends recently gave me his old The Whole Earth Catalog. He knows that I love all things old and free, tack onto that being bound in book form and I'm like Hoshie first discovering the joys of electronic friends. I started to look through the catalog page by page, marveling at all the information available for those who enjoy compost toilets and Silent Running when I came across an ad for a hot tub that included a picture of a topless woman with extremely hairy armpits. I love tubbin' as much as the next person, I just wouldn't feel that comfortable taking a soak topless with Sam Donaldson's toupee under each arm. I know - I'm such a hairless prude.

So I havent posted anything for a while, to this I say, I'm sorry. I want to recount a funny story which occured at the local Macey's supermarket. So the other night I make a light jaunt to the store for some necessities and other food items. I am a huge glutton for Macey's doughnuts because they are always fresh and soft and ohhhhhhhh soooooooooo GOOEY! Stating that, naturally one or two never quenches the desire, so i got 5! Anyways, i put them in the translucent bags (designed to deter the ubiquitous "false doughnut quantity claimers"). So at the check-out, the girl grabs my translucent bag and asks me how many doughnuts were in the bag. I shrugged in disbelief, yet she remained motionless, and glossy-eyed...awaiting my count. Finally, in annoyance, she looked down at the bag and actually counted the bloody doughnuts herself. Way to go Macey's girl. Hooked on Math sure the hell worked for her! Seeing the doughnuts served as math manipulatives, her task of counting the endless doughnuts was successful.

WAY TO GO MACEYS IN ALWAYS HIRING THE MOST APT AND PROFESSIONAL CHECK GIRLS!!!

Separated at Birth






















So I see a resemblance. Looks like Jade comes from pure evil - pure, delusional evil.

NOT MORE CLOTHES!

So this weekend we celebrated my nephew Hoshie's sixth birthday and I was confronted with the daunting task of trying to find a gift for him. My other nephews love legos, action figures and the occasional sequined bag - not Hoshie. His gift must require a power source and lead to carpal tunnel. Video games are the only thing he will play. On the occasions when he is banned from video games, you can find him running around at a frantic pace, stabbing and slashing the air with a stick as if the air were to blame for him being torn from his electronic crack. I refuse to feed his video game addiction and so for his birthday I bought him clothes (a stack of kindling while enjoyable to Hoshie would have made me look cheap). When it came time to open my gift, he ripped through the tissue paper, grabbed the clothes and then promptly threw them on the ground with a whine about how clothes are the worst gift ever. I thought deodorant was the worst gift ever, but I stand corrected. I think as a result of my horrible gift, that I have scarred him for life. I can see the adult Hoshie now, sitting in a permanent groove on his sofa shouting, "CLOTHES, WHO WANTS CLOTHES FOR THEIR BIRTHDAY!" After which he bends down and sniffs Warioworld up his nose.

May 16, 2006 9:39 am US/Mountain

Provo Law Prohibits Snow Cone Sales Until June 1
Temperatures are in the mid-80s, but don't look for a refreshing shave-ice treat in Provo until next month.

The city prohibits its sale before June 1.

Taylor Headman, 14, hoped to open her shave-ice stand early this year for extra money but then discovered the ordinance.

"It's kind of a dumb law, I think," said Taylor, who wanted to open a stand in time to raise money for an upcoming class trip.

Her father, Justin, a Provo firefighter, and others called this spring to complain about the ordinance.

Mayor Lewis Billings told the council about the issue at a recent meeting.

"I thought it was stupid," Billing said. "Why do we care if they sell (shave ice) before June 1?"

Councilwoman Cindy Clark, who with other city officials did not know why June 1 was made the start of the shave-ice season, said, "I think by next year we need to change that law."

Normal procedure would start with a hearing of the Planning Commission, which would then recommend an amendment to the City Council.

The mayor doesn't want to wait that long.

"Since we feel like there is pending legislation on shaved ice, we're not going to enforce the ordinance," Billings said.

Hawaii is the birthplace of shave ice, often incorrectly called "shaved ice" and sometimes mistaken for snow cones.

A snow cone is made of ice ground into chunks that don't hold the syrup, which pools in the bottom of the paper cone, the shave-ice aficionados say. Shave ice is shaved off a big block into a powder or small flakes that is easier to eat and absorbs the syrup, they say.

"It's like snow, so you can eat it instead of like ice, which you have to suck on," Taylor said. "There's more flavor and it's definitely sweeter."

So this weekend I completed my current read. I finally finished William Golding's "Lord of the Flies." Like most high school 9th graders, or Junior High Schoolers depending on where you went to school, I read "Lord of the Flies." However, I have decided to re-visit some of these books. I think I understand more about human nature now that I'm old and rotting away with each passing moment. The book is amazingly provocotive. Golding's book is one of the few books in which I felt sick by the end of the book due to the realization of its truthfullness. Although a ficticious narrative, the book is by no means immaginary. As time passes throughout the book, dissention, anarchy, and the balance of power incite many of the island captive children to metamorphose into creatures of their passions and carnal desires. Jack Merridew, the leading dissenter organizes a group of "Hunters," intent on following the rules of the jungle, "eat or be eaten," "kill or be killed," etc. Ralph, on the other hand, seeks rule of law and order in a collective effort to be civilized and eventually rescued through team-work. The dissention creates a nasty division among the children. Jack recruits many of Ralphs entrouage and creates little servants of evil. Rodger, Jack's righ-hand-man executes those who dare fight the law of the jungle. Graphic images of the Rodger's pole sharpened at both ends," -the tool designed to display Ralphs head are quite terrifying. Eventually, when it seems as though Ralph will follow the other boys who were executed, the boys are rescued - not only from the island, but from the dangerous reality of Jungle Law.

I give this book a good review.

Miller

Peace

No Stairway!!?? Denied!!!
SCHHHHHHHHWING!
Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and was a girl bunny?

Embarrassing Crushes

So my friend Rammy and I play this game called "Embarrassing Crushes." The goal of the game is to mortify the other person with your most embarrassing celebrity crush. During the course of the game we have realized that we have a number in common. There are two however that have resulted in a good hour's worth of taunting.

Via's Crush

Rammy's Crush

He Could Pass for Albino

So my nephew Hoshie is proof that people can be so pale that they can look like that clear glass man that allows you to see the inner organs. We could blame it on a sun allergy, but the truth is that the outdoors aren't wired for Mario Kart. Nature is no match for the awesome power of seizure inducing 3-D graphics.

This is another movie review. Lately it has been all i've done. One of the most recent films I watched was, "Goodnight and Good Luck," starring George Clooney. The film documents the valiant stand of News Reporter, Edward Murrow. The film depicts the tragic consequences of taking a stand against the "immoral and unethical fibers of society." Murrow, eventually loses his Prime-time news position. However, in the end it is Television who loses, the public who loses, and America who loses. The film contained amazing lighting techniques, which conveyed great emotion.

I give this film a good rating.

Machiavelli

Peace

So last night I watched Jarhead. I was quite dissapointed. Although I'm sure the experiences and events in the lives of each Marine are similar, I found the movie to be earily similar to Buzz Henderson's, "Spare Parts," and also a modern carbon copy of Full Metal Jacket. I did not find the movie original, or even captivating. I couldn't decide if the movie should be called "Jarhead" or "Cheating Partners." So-I give this film a poor rating-2 stars.

Machiavelli-
peace ya'll

p.s. The first pic is for Via

Hello, its me, Miller. Contrary to popular belief, I am not AWOL, nor missing, nor dead. What am I thinking? Contrary to popular belief!!! hahahah. What I should say is, contrary to our consitent 5 people reading base, I am still alive and chirping. Via is completely right. I am a poo face. I didnt show up to print her negs. I sorry, Via.
I'm currently experiencing a creative mental block. On the bright side, like a dam, the block will one day break and I'll have a creative explosion...so everyone..watch out. I heard a very interesting question on the radio today...So..without further adeu, I pass the question on to you..

Q: Why is evaporated milk a liquid?

Not too shabby of a question. Sure to incite even the most inpenetrable minds!!

Miller-
Peace

Silent Gory Gory Hill

So I went to see "Silent Hill" yesterday with my friend Rammy and my stepmom. My stepmom and I love scary movies and we always go see them together, unless any of our wonderful friends like Rammy want to come along. However, going with other people means that I have to endure a whole lotta teasing. The thing is, I am the easiest person in the world to scare. The smallest things freak me out - the back of the tupperware cupboard, handlebar mustaches, Ron Popeil - imagine running into him in a dark alley. The threat of GLH formula 9 alone makes me almost pee my pants. In order to be able to watch scary movies and then sleep at night, I cover my eyes during the scary parts or if I am at home alone I fast forward through them (nothing is scary at super fast speeds, except Richard Simmons). So we go to Silent Hill. I am all excited, ready to be scared by the sound of scary things. Turns out I didn't have to cover my eyes a bunch of times due to fear, just twice because I have a sensitive stomach. By the end of the movie I was utterly confused and tad queasy, but not scared.

Getting to Know You

So my brother sent me one of those getting to know you emails. The ones where you answer random, innocuous questions and then email them back to the source and however many friends that you want knowing the last time you cried. I normally relish these emails because they give me a chance to completely B.S., however this time I was out B.S.ed by my brother. His answers were really funny and I knew that mine would look like a sad attempt to emulate him - my funnier, better looking brother. As a matter of principle I could not send actual answers. So I came up with this (read only the answers, it makes more sense):

1. FIRST NAME? ever notice how only cats are named Sassy
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? why should only cats be named that
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? is it because cats can sleep whenever they want
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I'm sleepy
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? my office smells like cheese
6. KIDS? I want a doughnut
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? with cheese on it
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? and Vegemite
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? and a space heater
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? from the D.I.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? why must everything you buy at the D.I. smell like the D.I.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? like dust and b.o.
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM! OFF? I once found a dresser there that did not smell like D.I.
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? it smelled like poop
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? old diaper poop
16. SHOE SIZE? I bought it anyway
17. RED OR PINK? poop smell gets a bad rap
18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOUR SELF? feta cheese smells much worse
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? my office smells like cheese
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? not feta cheese
21. WHAT PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? mozzarella
22. LAST THING YOU ATE? with a trace of pickles
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? and pimento loaf
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? I prefer pumpkin bread
25. FAVORITE SMELL? with chocolate chips
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? and peppercorns
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? and salt sprinkled lightly on the top
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? like hard specks of dandruff
29. FAVORITE DRINK? on the head of a bald man using self-tanning cream
30. FAVORITE SPORT? orange is the new tan
31. EYE COLOR? irrelevant is the new relevant
32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? toenails are the new fingernails
33. FAVORITE FOOD? I once saw toenails as thick as hockey pucks
34. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? same color too
35. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? they made me dry heave
36. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? and have nightmares
37. SUMMER OR WINTER? about Hobbits
38. HUGS OR KISSES? with hockey puck toenails
39. FAVORITE DESSERT? Gandalf insists on their getting manicures
40. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? before returning the ring of power
41. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? he says that they don't want to end up like Sauron
42. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? his hockey pucks eventually became curling stones
43. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? which smelled like feta
44. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? the stench killed off most of the Ents
45. FAVORITE SOUNDS? that and the logging industry
46. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I like those fake logs that light up when you plug them in
47. THE FURTHEST YOU BEEN FROM HOME? no fire hazard
48. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? unless the cord has a short
49. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? then you're screwed

Don't ask to read his. I deleted it.

Preemptive Strike

So Miller is back and I feel bad for calling him a poop because he has a legitimate excuse for being gone (it doesn't involve wookies or ewoks). I have the habit of doing what I call "preemptive strikes". I picked this phrase up from the government, but when they use it, it means being all imperialistic, when I use it, it means I've done something stupid. Hum, actually they both sound like the same meaning to me. My point is I took over the blog when Miller disappeared and now that he is back he is welcome to once again grace The Black Project with his gorgeous photos and sparkling wit. Sorry Miller, I am a giant PPPPPPOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP!

So Much Fun!

So Miller has gone AWOL. It is now up to me to fill The Black Project with content. The reason we started the blog together is because there is only enough content inside my head to allow for an instruction manual on the making of sea monkeys (add water - done). Beyond that I run into problems. Any day now my retention capacity will be so bad that I'm going to start tattooing things I have to remember on my arms - like that guy on Memento. So if you run into some poor girl on the street with "Buy Tampons" in permanent ink on her arm, please do not mock, try to remember that she is burdened with sailing this ship alone.

Forgotten in his sugar-induced haze.

So Miller has been teaching me to develop my film and I have greatly appreciated his help. Last night he was supposed to help me with the printing process. I gave up a night of TV watching (which pained me greatly) and went to meet him, thing is - he never showed up. He is a giant piece of POOP! PPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPP! Unless he has a good excuse, like he was mistaken for a wookie and assaulted by ewoks.

The Chronicles of My Obsession or as I like to call it - The Chronicles of Nardia. Not because it makes sense, but because I like to say it - that and BOOTY CHA!

So I have an obsession, an obsession with collecting all unwanted items. The only criteria I have for these items is that they should be old, cheap and not smell like they have been crop-dusted. Other than that I am flexible. Anyone who knows me, knows I am the go to gal when they want to rid their homes of old unwanted items. They know that I will treasure these items and that they will bring me approximately two and a half days of joy, after which I will begin the search for new joy. I used to search the thrift stores for joy, until they became greedy. DAMN THEM AND THEIR COLLECTIBLES SECTION. Since when did a dinged-up dresser that smells like pee qualify as a collectible? Or for that matter any record by Glen Campbell. No offense to Glen but 80% of every thrift store's records are by him - him or that Humperdink guy. Anyhoo, here are some pictures of my latest acquisitions. What I need two old fridges for, I have no idea, but they fit the criteria.

The most beautiful laptop case ever.

I'm so happy I could pee!

Haiku Madness with Via and Jim!

He ate my popcorn
Snowflakes with butter on top
Damn his munchiness!

Neopolitan
I can't eat it - polyester
No way to digest

Bessez mon haikul
Is not only crummy French
A bad pun as well

Oscars

"CRASH"!?! REALLY!?! I honestly felt that "Brokeback Mountain" was a far superior movie. But then what do I know, I put ranch dressing on cheese.

Documentary of a life.

The love of Miller's life!

The love of Via's life!

Here is a post from Charmingjustcharming.blogspot.com.
I thought it was pretty much right on the money.

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very FatHugh frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

This entry is dedicated to my good pal Via. There is a bi*ch load of people out there who need to shut their mouths and only a handful of those who we should listen to!!!

Mach

Here are some of the pics I took from the area. Enjoy.

"'Manos': The Hands of Fate"

It seems to have become my fate to have every craptastic photo I try to take ruined by the stooges I call relatives. Their hands, when not in their pants, are in front of my lens. It makes me want to use my hands to smack them upside the heads no one ever gets to see because someone's HUGE PAW is always in the way!

Today the entries are particularly vile. But my friends, thats FACTS OF LIFE. Today I raise an interesting dynamic of the human psyche. Today while riding the bus to work I noticed an older gentleman on a seat several rows ahead of me. Everything was normal until I noticed he was in the mining industry. Before I knew it the entire finger was in the cave digging for lost treasure. He was a particularoly good miner, because in no time flat the lost treasure became found! Not only was he an expert miner, but a truly expert precious metalurgist. With each roll of the finger, new nuggets of gold were rolled into perfect spheres. Quite repulsive!!! Now the question I raise is this:

What is it about the human psyche that attracts us to witness incredibly repugnant events?

If you have any insight please drop a line.

Mach

From my dear sweet brother...

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

She's a Keeper!

I have noticed lately that many people, when you compliment them on their adorable child, have taken to saying, "I'll think we'll keep her/him/it." Were they ever considering not? Because saying that, even in jest brings up the mental image of some parent somewhere, whose child resembles a cave troll saying, "We're trading it in next week."

Super Bowl EXTRA LARGE

The Super Bowl is a splendiferous event at the Ferrata household. Screaming occurs (directed at each other not the TV - oh blessed TV), pepperonis are pinched, pouffy hair is made fun of (TAKE THAT POUFFY HAIR!!!!!!!) and someone always ends up in tears.

MLMs or in other words, Multi-Level Marketing is seriously the best way to make money. It is the only job in the world in which you can spend 10-15 hours per week in your own business and within one year generate over 250,000 thousand dollars per year. If you continue reading, I will offer you priceless advice how to achieve your financial goal. First you must sign up and invest in the product for a mere price of 350 dollars. Thats ok, since you WILL be making money soon. But first, lets not forget, to make money, you must spend money. For a small fee of 20 dollars, you will be enrolled into our monthly book/cd of the month club. Within the cd and book, a fortune of information awaits your c0nsumption. YES !!! Finally. You're your own boss. Nobody will tell you what to do. Wait. Oh yeah. You have to go to those meetings each week. Right now you are over 370 bucks, and will lose about 20 a month to costs. You will make money soon. Dont worry. And DO NOT LET ANYONE STEAL YOUR DREAMS

How not to let your dream get stolen:
1. No reading negative information regarding your "business"
2. No advice from anyone outside the "business"
3. No listening to your friends or neighbors, or family, especially if they are NOT IN THE BUSINESS!!!!

DREAM YOUR OWN DREAMS!!

Peace

This past superbowl will go down as one of the lamest, slowest, games of the rich 40 year history. I was personally rooting on the Hawks, for all the right reasons. Foremost, because seattle always sinks in sports championships. I would like to see the latte drinking, rain loving people of Seattle a victory. But, NO DICE!!! I mean, what the crap was Mike Holmgren thinking throughout the game. Pathetic play calling, finger pointing, and some weak, excuse for football plays ensued. The steelers, however, didn't do crap either. SInce the game was a waste, I mention the commercials. My favourite commercial of the Super Bowl was (FED EX) http://video.google.com/superbowl.html,

I think both teams should have gone home without the trophy. And as for the ROLLING STONES!!!!! PLEASE. Let's get some real entertainment. The half-time show was a pathetic joke. Aretha made it shades of better, but overall, it was LAMO!! What about some of the other artists from MOTOWN. Ted Nugent. If you are going to dig into the past, at least dig up someone who has EVOLVED with the times. I'm all about expression, but really, I was sick to my stomach. I'm convinced the price of seats at the game were high due to the cost of EMT's waiting on standby during the half time performance for the "sake of the entertainers."

So many artists from Detroit. Why can't we come up with one to represent?

A disgrace indeed.

Mach

This post is really just a thank you to the wonderful Think-Tank which devised the safety plan for the students of this prestigious learning mecca.

Take out your handbook boys and girls and turn to the yellow pages. Within the directives of "The Emergency Guide" you will find various instructions to ensure your safety in the event of a disaster. Let us review some of the instructions.

General Earthquake Instructions
1. Do NOT go sightseeing. Thank goodness for this directive. This is why tuition is so high. These thinktanks are NOT cheap.

2. Keep streets clear for emergency vehicles. Why do the emergency personnel get to go sightseeing and not us? Mind control I tell ya.

Thanks for reading this. Please, leave a comment. Swear at me. Hate me. Just OBEY the DIRECTIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!