Typical Halloween Talk

“I love The Lost Boys. Any movie that features vampires with mullets is automatically the best.”

“And earrings”

“Yes, man jewelry does add to the appeal. I also enjoy the movie with the cat people.”

“Cat People?”

“No, the other cat people. The mother and son cat people.”

“The one where they can be defeated by actual cats and slutty people.”

“Yes, that one.”

I would have pressed the issue but his scream makes my ears bleed

This weekend I spent some quality time with Hoshie. I went to my sister’s house to pick her up for our weekly walk (I have to try and fight my butt from taking over the entire southern portion of my body) and when I walked in the door I came upon Hoshie. For a moment I thought I was in the wrong house and then I thought someone had replaced my Hoshie with one that did not have game paddles surgically attached to his hands. Upon further examination I realized that it was indeed my Hoshie. Translucent skin: check; Permanent scowl: check; Smells of cheese and anger: check. What threw me off was the fact that he held in his hands a piece of paper, plain, simple, non-electronic paper. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that he was doing his homework. He was answering questions to a story he had just finished reading, The Little Red Hen. I remembered that story well as it taught me the valuable lesson that all lazy asses would starve unless they had money to eat out. Thank god I have money to eat out. Hoshie had to fill in a multiple choice test using the information he gathered from the story, i.e.

The Little Red Hen was:
A. Underpaid because she worked in Walmart’s bakery
B. Extremely happy that the no-carbs diet disappeared
C. Stressing over outsourcing to country where the dog, cat and pig would not only work, but would do it for a fraction of the cost

One of the questions asked how the dog, cat and pig felt at the end of the story. The answer choices ranged from happy to various states of misery. Hoshie chose happy. I went through the end of the story with him and asked him if he thought that the dog, cat and pig were really happy given that they were going to starve. Hoshie said yes they were happy. When I asked him why, he said that they wanted to help. Yes Hoshie, but they only wanted to help after warm, yeasty goodness was denied them. I felt very strongly that said animals would be somewhat saddened at the prospect of having to resort to eating manure yet again. Hoshie however was convinced that they all were extremely happy at the end and I have to give the kid credit for having such a positive attitude. Me I picture the dog, cat and pig plotting some horrific revenge on the condescending hen, one involving bees, a viola and some Boudreaux’s Butt Paste.

Same old Same old

So I have nothing really to talk about this week because my life is THAT BORING. The most I can say that I accomplished was I informed some people that the building they work in smells like feet (I just love verbal diarrhea) and then I hounded my friend for details on my secret crush. "What does his hair look like today and how does he smell?" Both very important questions. My friend, apparently felt differently as he informed me that he is not that comfortable sniffing another man. I would sniff random strangers for him, but he can't do me a solid by leaning in close to the man that I think about WAY too much. Where is the love?

Weekly Recap

So here is a rundown of my week since I am too lazy to actually post something daily and only one day contained anything remotely interesting. Unless you find talk of shopping for a minestrone soup that doesn’t make me yak interesting. That interesting day was today and the thing that made today interesting was a visit from my sweet nephew Hoshie. I had been telling my co-workers Hoshie stories for months. I would tell them how he wouldn’t eat unless you shut off all power within a two block radius in order to pry him away from his Game Cube. I told them how when he did eat, he would only eat things that were made of cheese or entirely hidden by cheese. I told them how, when I asked him to shut off his electronic crack, he would write scathing notes about how he “hats” me and then would proceed to scream when I asked him to elaborate as to whether he Bowler or Fedora “hats” me. Needless to say, the kid has become something of a legend in my office. So today when he came with his mom to visit me, I was worried that he would be extremely angry because he was forced to do something that didn’t involve a game paddle. However he was actually quite sweet and proceeded to leave three sticky notes on my desk. One said, “I love you.” One said, “Your the best.” And the last one had a portrait of me that I have entitled “Via of the Giant Hands”. It was really quite sweet. My coworkers all remarked that Joshua was very cute, very pale and only smelled a little of cheese and anger.

Red Bull gives me stomach cramps

So I tried my first Red Bull today, not because I was curious, but because I give in very easily to peer pressure. Oh my God! My hands are shaking as I type. My head feels funny and I’m sure it is my stomach that they are hearing in the House of Leaves. I’ve realized that I should not drink Red Bull for two reasons. Reason 1: I consume way too much caffeine during the day and the addition of a Red Bull sends me into some sort of caffeinated psychosis. Reason 2: Aspartame makes me violently ill. Why I didn’t read the ingredients before I chugged, we’ll just chalk it up to my unbridled enthusiasm at trying something that tastes like liquid Spree. I have learned my lesson and will steer clear of Red Bull, until I forget said lesson as I do with all lessons I learn (see hair cut incident).