You Don't Say

Mock me for my unusual collectibles will you? Well look who else love unusual chotchkies!That would be one inkwell in shape of Voltaire's head, belonging to one Thomas Jefferson. I respect the man's form.
In other news, today I learned that my favorite network - Lifetime - home of such craptastic classics as Mother May I Sleep with Danger? - sponsors The First Ladies exhibit at the Smithsonian. You know there has to be one excellent Lifetime movie treatment out there for the wives of Millard Fillmore.
And finally...I want to play this SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why Does Food Hate Me?

So remember my last post where I said I am not lactose intolerant? That may not be true. The past two weeks have consisted of a number of painfully horrible stomach aches. I have had these stomach aches in the past but usually only when I eat something containing peppers (bell, jalapeno, whatever), mangoes, or avocados. I steer clear of those ingredients. I treat them like The Jersey Shore - they must be avoided at all costs. This has worked well for me, until recently when I have been experiencing almost daily stomach pains as well as the occasional bout of yakking (so awesome) with foods I USED TO EAT DAILY! My stomach hates me. These stomach pains are not the "I can still function" type either, they are the "if you move an alien will burst out of your stomach" type. It is crippling, intense pain. Having no health insurance, I am left to deal with this by Googling. I now think I may have IBS or Irritable Bowel Syndrome. If anyone's bowels could be called irritable, it would be mine. I have angry toddler bowels. The kind of bowels that are set off by a wrong look or the word "no." As of today I have decided to document everything I ingest in the hopes of finding what exactly triggers these stomach aches. I am hoping dairy is not involved because cheese is my life. I had mac and cheese today and was fine so fingers crossed. Also fingers crossed that my stomach isn't just deciding to make my life hell because it can...and because it is a turd.

You Know You Want Me

Wanted: One job for recent MLS graduate. It is true the adjective used to describe me most is weird, but that was from blind dates and they don't count. Men who fill 90% of their free time with Skyrim are not allowed to judge. I'm just going to put it out there, I think I am awesome. I once accidentally lit myself on fire while cooking and did I panic? NO!!! I threw off my robe, stomped out that blaze, and then ran to the bathroom to make sure I still had my eyebrows. It is that kind of on the fly, epic problem solving that I can bring to a work place. I would also like to mention that I worked like a boss for seven years in my last position (I worked for the Provost of local public university - FTE 30,000) and I loved it. Yes I left, but that is because I lived most of my life within the same 60 miles. I had this overwhelming desire to see what life was like outside those 60 miles so I moved across the country leaving in my wake a weird vacuum, from which Utah, thanks to its liquor laws, soon filled. I now live in the D.C. area and I love it here. The only problem is, unlike Utah, there is fierce competition for jobs. Being from a smaller (compared to D.C.) town, I am feeling a little lost as to how to best market myself in order to obtain gainful employment. I am thinking of maybe walking around the Library of Congress with a sandwich board that reads, "I am so good with people. I will work my tookus off. I am not lactose intolerant." It might work or a picture of sandwich board me might end up on Reddit with comments that include "I haz desperation."

He Really Just Said That

So I just watched Shark Attack 3: Megalodon on Netflix and I seriously have not laughed that hard during a movie in years. To start off I kept wondering what the hell that shark was eating to give it such raging indigestion. Then I kept asking myself if the film was dubbed - it was. Then I had to ask myself if John Barrowman really just said that - he did. Seriously go on YouTube and look up "Shark Attack 2 famous line." You will not regret it (or you will because the language is spicy). After all this I was thinking this movie could not get more awesome, but it did. Have you ever seen a shark swallow a boat or a speeding jet ski? You have? I beg to differ. You have not seen epic shark attacks until you have seen them through the magic of special effects created by monkeys missing their opposable thumbs. The icing on this awful cake comes at the end when one John Barrowman (dude got all the best lines) exclaims, "Megalo-who!?!" I must add this movie to my collection.

Mormon Disco Ball!

So funny!

Resolution for my new east coast life

So...upon moving to the east coast I have discovered that my immune system is shot. Years of neglecting my health have lead to one straight month of being super sick. I have had something like the flu, a sinus infection, AND an ear infection. On top of all that I have now developed a food allergy to tomatoes. I LOVE TOMATOES!!!!!!!!! This is very sad. Because of my being laid up for a month I have done some research and I am going to change my lifestyle. I am now officially eating a veggie/fruit heavy diet sans dairy and gluten. From what I have read on the internet, two years of a super healthy diet should reverse my food allergies and I should once again be able to eat tomatoes, peppers, avocados, mangos, cantaloupe, and bananas. I figure if I track my progress on this blog, I will be more apt to stay on track and avoid things like oh so delicious cookies. Wish me luck.