Stick a fork in me

So I am pretty sure I am done with all my work for this semester and I am hella happy about that. I have been in a constant state of stress for weeks trying to get my brain to work long enough to crank out a paper and put together a presentation that didn't totally suck. In my humble opinion, they only mildly sucked. I can now get all holiday inebriated without the guilt associated with the fact that I should probably be doing something more productive than killing my brain cells, such as watching The Hills. I love that show, Spencer is such a tool and Justin Bobby, I'm pretty sure I dated his twin during the period I refer to as "my dark ages." I say pretty sure because I've blocked those years out, along with high school and the all the years I had a perm.

Busy-ness

Holy Moly! It has been such a busy month. I know that it will get busier with presentations and papers due at the end. I am trying not to get overwhelmed, but my stomach has been acting up in protest of all the stress. Oh well, such is life.

Man Moratorium

So I have definitely decided that for the time being I am not dating. Normally I could say that this decision would not make any change in my social life because I date about as often as Hoshie has a happy day. Lately, however, I have actually had some interest of the male variety, but I just don't feel like dating. I really just want to be alone and figure out why I am so musically cursed. I decided to take up the guitar and thanks to my efforts; I think I have killed some of my family's brain cells. Bet you didn't know that horrendous guitar twanging could do that - but it can! The surgeon general is going to show up at my house any day now and slap a sticker on me stating - "Will cause copious brain cell death when placed near a musical instrument."

Hoshie-isms

Here are some statements from my own sweet, seven year old Hoshie. Keep in mind that almost all the statements were shouted at the top of his angry lungs.

After his sister Jess jokingly tried to bite his back - "YOU'RE GETTING SALIVA ON MY JACKET!!!!!!"

After his sister Jess jokingly pinched his angry little bum - "SHE PINCHED MY BUTT AND I HATED IT!!!!!"

After his sister Jess asked for a second time if he wanted some soup because he mumbled his first reply (in his defense he was in videogame mode and anyone who knows Hoshie knows you are playing with fire if you disturb his videogame time) - "I SAID SURE!!!!!!!"

And finally, just to prove he is not all screaming and anger, in one of his happier moments - "Yert, let's go outside and spin!"

Welcome back Miller!

I am so glad that Miller is back and I appreciate his concern for my social well-being. That being said ... Miller ... the cheeseburger thing ... it ain't gonna happen. Let it go. Anyway I have no time for guys, someone has to document the goings on of the Hoshus Rageous for prosperity. If I didn't see it with my own eyes, I would never have believed that such an incredible amount of rage could exist in such a small package. I believe that because I share DNA with Hoshie, I can stand in the same room as him without the risk of being fried by his anger. Therefore, I own it to others who live with little angry ones to study Hoshie and perhaps someday find a way to live in harmony with those who get pissed at having to share a planet with people.

VIA IS INCOMPLETE WITHOUT CHEESEBURGER BOY

ITS ALLLLLLLLLLLLLIVE!!!!!! ITS ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIVE!! Yes...please please...sit back down. Yeah its me Miller Machiavelli! And, IM BACK! So I miss Via a bunch and all the gang back at da offiz! Well, almost everybody...
Life is good.

So VIA....hows the boy sicheashion? Any authors out there you are after? Cheeseburger boy was a catch...why didnt you go for him?

Brain ... no ... work

So I haven't posted in a while because, well, there is nothing really to say other than - my life is soooo boring. All I do is work, read books, watch movies, drink excessive amounts of Chai and pee frequently because of aforementioned Chai. Oh, one major thing that happened, my crushing ceased. I don't really know how it happened but one day I realized that I felt more of a "hey, you're my buddy" feeling than a "hey, let's make out" feeling when I was around my crush. I am relieved because I hate being all gah gah over a guy. I would rather not care either way and then the only way to go is up.

Hoshie draws to express his rage

His brother Chase obviously enraged him. Let this be a warning to anyone who crosses Hoshie's path - he has a pen and he is not afraid to use it.

Bring on the Distractions

So this weekend I tried to make sure that I stayed busy so I would not dwell on the fact that my crush thinks I'm a troll. I began the weekend by stuffing my face at a fundraiser. At said fundraiser, you pay a set price and you get to sample man cooking. Unfortunately, I arrived at the tale end and the only man prepared foods left were a few pieces of bread and some noodles. I am still bloated from all the carbo loading. On the upside, I was too sick to dwell on my being a gorgon. The next day, my friend and I went on an old home tour. It was fantastimo and I coveted me some old homes - big time. If only procrastination paid, I would be rich and could afford to buy one. Behold - some pictures!















The rest of the weekend I either did homework, avoided doing homework or chilled with my relatives who would never refer to me as nice because I've stolen food off most of their plates.

Kiss of Death

So today I was being good and not obsessing about my crush too much when my friend Chapstick mentions that my name came up in a conversation he had had earlier with my crush. I was stoked until he told me what my crush said...he said that I was nice - NICE!!!!!!! He could have easily substituted "nice" for "I find her as appealing as Larry King in drag." I was crushed. I now know that I am firmly entrenched in the "friends" category and I feel like crap. However, on the plus side, I now have a new answer for all of my mother's friends who constantly say to me, "I don't understand, why aren't you married?" Instead of answering with something like, "oh, I just haven't found the right person." I can now say concisely and without any sarcasm - "I'm nice."

New Old Stuff

So the semester has started and I am trying to concentrate in spite of my raging crush. Why does he have to be so sweet AND hot!?! However, my scholastic work and crushing have not kept me from my number one ambition in life - to make all the world's cheap, old stuff mine. That being said, here are the newest additions to my vintage family:

One rotary phone (IT WORKS YO! Too bad my MacBook doesn't, seriously HUGE PIECE OF CRAP!!!!)













And a ceramic parrot (I found it in our barn)

Red Rider and Road Rage

So this weekend I went to visit my sister. When I arrived I ran into my nephews – Hoshie and Yert, who were masquerading as “Red Rider” and “Tire.” “Tire” being the alternate identity of Hoshie. I told Hoshie that perhaps “Road Rash” might be a little catchier than “Tire” and would go nicely with his red hair. He misheard me and excitedly started calling himself “Road Rush.” As the day progressed, rage built up in Hoshie, as it usually does and by the end of the day he was in full on anger mode (if we could just harness that power for energy, I am pretty sure it is clean burning). At this point, my sister and I decided that “Road Rage” was a better fit for our dear, sweet Hoshie.

AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH

So I’ve decided that even though the crush is back on, I am going to give my crush plenty of space so I don’t creep him out. I know I can do this because when I set my mind to something, I have fantastic willpower (said willpower does not work when food is involved). I think I got all giddy from him paying so much attention to me the past little while. I wasn’t used to that and it kind of made me sick – good sick not bad sick. Quite a few of my friends have told me to go ahead and ask him out, but I am really, really freaked out about the whole going on a date thing. I have had some spectacular crash and burns in my past and I am worried that dating disasters follow me and I like this guy too much to watch our friendship go up in smoke because I’m a spaz. Anyhoo, I also need to step back so I can focus some energy on getting ready for school. I need to work on my writing skills (A LOT) because my papers last year – they were crap. Nuff said.

P.S. You are awesome TP! Have fun at grad school!

Commence Crushing!

I found out that my crush is not off the market. Now, in addition to being extremely giddy, I have been analyzing his every move hoping for some sign of interest. A large part of me knows that I am deluding myself into thinking that some small part of him might like me, but I just keep hoping. So far he has winked at me three times, but I can’t really take that as a sign of something because some men are just winky. One day he spent an hour and a half asking me a lot of questions about myself. The conversation ended with him wishing aloud that if someone liked someone – they would just come out and say it. I replied that some people are afraid to state their feelings for fear of rejection. I left out the part about how said individuals (namely me) are one rejection away from adopting thirty cats and calling it good. Anyhoo, I am trying not to get my hopes up and keep everything in perspective, but then I see him and my stomach gets all tied up in knots and I fear for the worst – I’m completely gone over this guy.

My Boss is Awesome!

My boss - he gave me this chair - because he is AWESOME!

Venting

So I'm venting because I really don't like my macbook. I have always loved my macs in the past. I am not the most tech savvy person, so I have loved that they haven't needed me to be. However, my new macbook is possessed by some evil poltergeist that thinks it is funny to break every time I update my software. First I updated the airport and it killed my ability to find my signal. Being non-tech savvy the only way I knew how to fix it was to reinstall my operating system so I backed up all my 80s hair-metal and I reinstalled everything and WOO HOO I find a signal. I haven't updated the airport since because of that unfortunate incident. I have updated other things. This weekend after updating my software, my mac developed this charming habit of freezing and telling me, in a kindly worded message that I must restart (this happens every fifteen minutes). I restart and the mac tells me that the operating system malfunctioned. I tried to find the solution on the web but came up with a whole lotta nothing. I am going to take it to my mac friends to see if they can help or if perhaps I can trade it in for one that is not defective, as I have only had the thing a few months. I can also see if my old standby of reloading the operating system helps. It is a pain because backing up the ultimate Van Halen mix is no small feat, but desperate times call for desperate measures. If anyone knows a better solution, I would greatly appreciate the help. I am seriously considering letting Hoshie melt my macbook with his rage.

SO LAZY!!!!!!!!

Must write something, but so tired and brain not working.

Check this out

Exciting Stuff

No news is good news. Right?

Complaining and Junk

So I found out my secret crush is seeing someone and I’m feeling a little sad. I am trying to be good and wish him the best, but part of me wishes he was still single so that, eventually, he could see that I am not so bad. True, I cheat on my Pilates push-ups and I hoard things. I also covet the Plinko set from The Price is Right and I have a large collection of Star Trek toys (MIB), but that doesn’t make me completely unlikable (only vaguely). This latest rejection has convinced me to give up on men and take up decorative macramé. I have also decided that I really want a doughnut – the cake kind with white frosting and rainbow sprinkles. I am posting some pictures – enjoy.

Proof

Squidgy loves to dance!

Salsa and s#%t

I have been so wiped lately that I do not have the brainpower to type up a blog entry that makes sense and/or makes sense. Right now I am about to plop my head on my keyboard. I am so exhausted that I would not wake up until tomorrow afternoon. By then, part of said keyboard will be permanently adhered to my head (my drool doubles as super glue). Anyhoo I'll give you a groggy recap of the highlights my week. On Monday, I spilled salsa in my lap and then having wiped it up to the best of my ability made use of my verbal pre-emptive strike and upon meeting anyone, for the rest of the day, I would blurt out, "I SPILLED SALSA ON MY SKIRT BECAUSE I AM A HUGE SLOB AND CANNOT KEEP IT ON MY CHIPS!" To which they would reply, "I didn't even notice a stain." They don't realize I just saved them some eyestrain. I also like to do my part to deter olfactory wear and tear by using my freakishly strong sense of smell to provide information such as, "Does anyone else smell feta?" My comments usually do not elicit a strong response because no one else seems to care that the room smells vaguely of pungent cheese. On Tuesday I decided to try to get over my crush because I feel that my crushing is futile. Beyond him learning my name, I have not made very much progress. I will instead work on the Guinness Book of World Records record for longest armpit hair (the toe nail dream inspired me). Wednesday I ate some toast. Thursday I ate a pita, with hummus, it was good. Friday I tried my hand at socializing and spent time with my friends who don't mind that I frequently reference Star Trek and insist that they call me Spock. All in all, a very productive week.

A Whole Lotta Nothing

So I feel as if I have accomplished nothing this week. I didn’t post anything until today. I didn’t clutter my room with more items from Ikea and/or various thrift stores or garage sales. I didn’t win over my crush by regaling him with detailed accounts of my dreams (I dreamt my toe nails were really long and I couldn’t wear shoes – who wouldn’t find that fascinating?). I did clear some space on my floor by putting some books into storage. Quite a few were self help books my mom gave me in hopes of raising my self-esteem. I found they had the opposite effect – Dr. Phil is harsh.

Ikeaaaaaaaaaaaaa

So this week the first Ikea in the state opens its doors so that we can all celebrate Scandinavian frugality. I am excited, but also a little worried due to the fact that I am an obsessive hoarder. I tend to tell anything that is cheap and old or cheap, new and retro looking “come live with me, I don’t need any space to move around.” Last week I happened upon a surplus sale where I purchased a telephone booth – yes, an actual fit a person inside phone booth. Upon showing it to people the first question they inevitably ask is “what are you going to do with it?” I don’t have the courage to tell them that I will probably spend most nights, dressed as Doctor Who (Tom Baker version), pretending it is my TARDIS. They don’t need to know my special secret; it is between me and the Daleks that live in my head (they tell me to do stuff like eat excessive amounts of pudding). I know that if I go to Ikea I will want to invite almost every item in the store to come live with me so I am practicing some restraint and staying away – for now. I have almost convinced myself that being able to see one’s floor is highly over-rated.

Vay-Cay

So I haven't posted in a while, partly because final papers were sucking up what little brain power I possess and partly because, to recoup said brain power, I went on vacation.

I went to visit my sister and cute little Squidgy. It was fun, but instead of being able to recharge, I spent the week having to wake up at the crack of dawn by having the world's youngest Sarah Jessica Parker fan (more on that later) jump directly on my bladder. From that moment on I would spend my vacation -

1. being screamed at because I was eating something exactly the same as Squidgy, but because it was on my plate, it was like manna from heaven. Manna that was being denied "she who jumps on bladders."

2. watching Squidgy dance during her 5000th viewing of Girls Just Want to Have Fun. That was actually quite funny. I call her dance the "the sumo head-butt." She crouches, with her legs wide apart and moves from one leg to the next while simultaneously trying to head-butt her imaginary dance partner.
3. dodging the world's most psychotic squirrel. I swear it gave me the evil eye!

I also found time to visit the beach where Squidgy proved that while it is okay to embrace perfect strangers in the airport, it is not okay to have salt water anywhere on your person.














And I found out what happened to Don Johnson's long lost Miami Vice stunt mannequin - he has a gig at the Swap Shop, warming Porsche seats.

Unshun

Miller established contact and I hereby retract my previous post in which I called him and turd and denied him the dairy goodness of cheese. There is cheese in my office as we speak and you are welcome to it Miller.

The only way to travel

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to take a 15 minute ride in a Black Hawk helicopter. It was incredible and I had a blast. I was worried because, while I had never been in a helicopter, all my other flying experiences involved airsickness. Fortunately, I always had ginger ale and a packet of cream cheese on hand to settle my stomach. This time however there would be no in-flight snack. I kept an airsick bag in my hands, but I never needed it. The ride was super smooth and the lifting off the ground part was a blast. Anyhoo, I have posted some pictures of my adventure for your enjoyment.

I am completely heartbroken. My thoughts are with the victims of the Virginia Tech tragedy, as well as their friends, family and the campus community.

Un-shun and Re-shun

I was thinking about Miller today. If you haven't noticed, he does not contribute to The Black Project anymore. He has also disappeared off the face of the planet, technically he got married, but as far as I'm concerned - same thing. After he stopped working in the office next door, despite his promises, he cut us all off. He promised a wedding invite, it never materialized. Needless to say, we think he is a bit of a turd. I was going to invite him to my commitment ceremony (me and my TV are registered at Target), but now he is not invited. Miller, you will miss out on all the fries and processed cheese, so suck on that!

Hair today Due tomorrow

So I still have a TON of work left to do on my final two research papers. I feel a little overwhelmed and a little ticked at myself for procrastinating (curse you wonderful, craptastic TV). I have had to buckle down and concentrate on school which means I have decided to put a moratorium on my crushing. I can no longer spend precious brain power on pondering what my crush’s hair smells like (I have never been close enough to him to smell his hair, but I imagine it smells like oranges and hotness).

Speaking of hair my cute, little, toe-headed Squidgy will be visiting next week. I am very excited because I haven’t seen her in almost a year and because I think that by now she is old enough (18 months) to write my papers for me. All my nieces and nephews know that as soon as they are old enough to poop mid-stride, they are old enough to type up my papers. Hoshie is the one exception. I am afraid the heat generated by his extreme anger would disintegrate my laptop.

BOOK SALE!

So I have been remiss in my blogging duties and I haven’t posted in a while. Needless to say, nothing has really been happening except for it being THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR – BOOK SALE TIME! Last week, my local library had its annual book sale and I loaded up, because I have an addiction. I have no idea when I will get around to reading all of my books, but I want to, that is why I bought them. I ended taking my grandmother’s little metal cart and I filled that thing – twice. I can now no longer see my floor because the books cover it (the bookshelves are full as is the space under my bed) which means I no longer have to vacuum – yeah for books! I do however have to keep up on my dusting, because I don’t want spiders making their homes in my books. After Bernard disappeared, I just haven’t been able to become attached to another arachnid. He was special and his place in my heart and in my slippers can never be filled, so I’m not allowing any of his relatives to take up residence among my stacks of bibliorific joy.

Also, I had the most interaction that I have ever had with my crush this past week. He spoke to me for a good half hour, well actually I peppered him with innocuous, non-invasive questions and he answered them in an extremely concise manner. Why do men not elaborate? Does elaboration fall into the frivolous behavior category along with asking for directions? Anyway, he was extremely kind and funny and I was just happy to get to know him a little better. I now know he likes bees – me too – they make honey –honey is good.

Weekend Warrior

So this weekend I went and saw 300 in between my homework sessions. I have to intersperse my homework sessions with something and then go back to them later, otherwise my brain locks up and I am completely useless. Usually when my brain locks up, my mind focuses on something completely off the subject of my homework. I think about my crush, or pudding, or that time I learned that popcorn seasoning must be used sparingly. Now that I have watched 300 I know that as soon as I start picturing Gerard Butler in ancient hot pants, it is time for a break, preferably a pudding break. Of course it is hard to concentrate on pudding when you have so much Scottish hotness on your mind. Anyhoo, I highly recommend the movie, besides the copious amounts of cinematic eye candy, it was very entertaining.

In other weekend news, I recently did my semi-frequent software upgrade on my MacBook and my AirPort revolted and stopped working. I will admit that I only have very basic tech knowledge in that I know not to use my MacBook as a coaster, so I had to call in reinforcements. My sister's husband, the computer guru, worked for hours and could not get it work. I started becoming quite depressed at the thought of being torn away from countless hours spent browsing eBay for stuff I don't need. Last night in a last ditch effort to save my sanity as I felt myself slipping into a technology deprived coma, I backed up all my info and I reinstalled OS X. It worked and now I have my precious internet back. You would think that I could handle internet deprivation, seeing as how I just barely got the internet a few months ago, but those few months have been the best of my life. I now think I know how the cavemen felt when they discovered fire.

Chillin' with Hoshie

Last night, while my sister was tucking Hoshie into bed, the family cat, Oreo, decided to jump up on the bed and try to knead Hoshie like a pillow. While he was being plumped, Hoshie said to his mom, "cats are colorblind."

"Yes, they are."

"They can only see you if you wear black."

Then Why Can't I Understand Poetry!?!

I think my mastermind only works when it is being used for evil.

Hunger/Embarrassment Pains

So I’m sitting in class last night – starving. I go straight to school from work and I don’t have time to eat in between. Anyhoo, we are discussing gyres in Keat’s poetry and I say in a really loud voice, “MMMM, GYRO!” I don’t even pronounce it correctly. Low blood sugar made me do it.

Found then Lost














I recently found a vintage store that I love only to find out that it is closing. I think I'm cursed, every place I love closes. My sister says it is because I have freakish taste but I know that I am not the only one who gets excited when they find a Leonard Nimoy record. He does a cover of "Proud Mary" that is phenomenal. Anyhoo, I spent last weekend buying as much stuff from there as I could, including the radio that is pictured above. It worked great until I saturated it with my drool. In addition to the awesomeness of old stuff, the building the store is located in is probably one of the coolest in the town. I was petrified that it would be torn down, but the storeowners assured me that the impossibly hip individuals from San Francisco who bought it, would not destroy it. If they do, I hope that they are cursed with excessive back hair. Needless to say, I'm sure that they will gut and renovate it so I am going there this weekend to take pictures of the beauty that is old school warehouse. I just hope that my craptastic photography will do it justice.

Nothing to post ... nothing has happened. Oh wait! I ate some pudding. Yum!

I'm hoping he thinks I'm perpetually sunburned

So I saw my crush today and spoke to him for what had to be the longest I've ever spoken to him - one half hour. I was the shade of a nice ripe tomato the whole time and I laughed like some hysterical spaz. The best part was when my friend told him that he had to fix my computer yesterday because it seized up and I said, "it is because I download all that porn." He got this look on his face and I thought, "tell him you are kidding - you would never download porn on your work computer - that is what the home one is for." Unfortunately nothing came out of my mouth. I just sat there, frozen in a state of panic. I now understand perfectly why I don't date and should probably never date so as to save the men of the world from my extreme awkwardness.

Sundance Sweetness

This past weekend I had the chance to attend a few screenings of some Sundance films. I was very excited to go because I looooooooovvvvvvveeeeeeeee movies. Anything that detracts from reality is tops with me. I saw the films Waitress, Eagle vs Shark, and La Misma Luna. I thoroughly enjoyed all three, but I think that Eagle vs Shark was my favorite. It was quirky and strange and it spoke to me. I too hope to someday meet a mulleted, socially awkward, numchuck wielding candle maker who will lie to other people about my accomplishments or lack thereof. That is love to me.

Can't think - must revel in his muffininess

I am in a total fog. I can't even think. I shared a tangerine with my secret crush and it was, quite possibly, the best thing that has happened to me so far this year. I'm pretty sure my crush would freak out if he knew how much I cherished sharing fruity goodness with him. He is, after all, of a very kind and sharing nature (thus his appeal) and shares most of his food with those around the workplace. I just get really really giddy whenever I am around him. Giddy and stupid cuz my mind tends to blank and I look as if I were the poor intern who forgot to lock up Paula Abdul's meds. Thus incurring the wrath of Simon Cowell, who I am sure would suffocate me in one of his shrink-to-fit tees. What was I saying? Oh yeah, tangerines with my crush. Best snack ever!

New year ... more of the same

I used to wax poetic about how fantastic the new year would be. I had all of these ideas about how this year would be different from last. I would finally learn to take pictures that were as nice as those taken by hyperactive four year olds. I would learn to make food that did not have the consistency of burnt evil. I would not forget everything I learned within three minutes of learning it.

All of these resolutions seem doable, but by the end of every year I am still in the same place that I was at the beginning - blurring, burning and blanking. I decided this year, in order to same myself from feelings of failure, I WILL NOT make any resolutions or hold onto any delusions of future competence. I will not only embrace my ability to completely bungle all endeavors. I will celebrate my ineptitude. 2007 is going to rock!