I almost died!

So I've been listening to David Sedaris read his latest book at night. I keep hoping that, through some kind of osmosis, I will wake up funnier. Hasn't really worked that much so far. I still only get unintentional laughs like when my thumb udders faced the wrong direction and I was told that gravity will not allow you to milk up. It was all part of a milking demonstration in case you were thinking something sick - you perv! Anyhoo, I'm listening to David Sedaris with my headphones on and I fall asleep only to wake up a few hours later, barely able to breath because the frakin cord is wrapped around my neck! Totally freaked me out! Like that time I ate some really old granola. I could have died! I would like to say that I learned my lesson, but no, I don't have the restraint to learn lessons or figure out that udders normally face towards the ground not the sky, because then it would be like a milk fountain and that would be AWESOME!