Here is a post from Charmingjustcharming.blogspot.com.
I thought it was pretty much right on the money.
Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very FatHugh frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
It seems to have become my fate to have every craptastic photo I try to take ruined by the stooges I call relatives. Their hands, when not in their pants, are in front of my lens. It makes me want to use my hands to smack them upside the heads no one ever gets to see because someone's HUGE PAW is always in the way!
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Today the entries are particularly vile. But my friends, thats FACTS OF LIFE. Today I raise an interesting dynamic of the human psyche. Today while riding the bus to work I noticed an older gentleman on a seat several rows ahead of me. Everything was normal until I noticed he was in the mining industry. Before I knew it the entire finger was in the cave digging for lost treasure. He was a particularoly good miner, because in no time flat the lost treasure became found! Not only was he an expert miner, but a truly expert precious metalurgist. With each roll of the finger, new nuggets of gold were rolled into perfect spheres. Quite repulsive!!! Now the question I raise is this:
What is it about the human psyche that attracts us to witness incredibly repugnant events?
If you have any insight please drop a line.
Mach
What is it about the human psyche that attracts us to witness incredibly repugnant events?
If you have any insight please drop a line.
Mach
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
From my dear sweet brother...
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
She's a Keeper!I have noticed lately that many people, when you compliment them on their adorable child, have taken to saying, "I'll think we'll keep her/him/it." Were they ever considering not? Because saying that, even in jest brings up the mental image of some parent somewhere, whose child resembles a cave troll saying, "We're trading it in next week."
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
MLMs or in other words, Multi-Level Marketing is seriously the best way to make money. It is the only job in the world in which you can spend 10-15 hours per week in your own business and within one year generate over 250,000 thousand dollars per year. If you continue reading, I will offer you priceless advice how to achieve your financial goal. First you must sign up and invest in the product for a mere price of 350 dollars. Thats ok, since you WILL be making money soon. But first, lets not forget, to make money, you must spend money. For a small fee of 20 dollars, you will be enrolled into our monthly book/cd of the month club. Within the cd and book, a fortune of information awaits your c0nsumption. YES !!! Finally. You're your own boss. Nobody will tell you what to do. Wait. Oh yeah. You have to go to those meetings each week. Right now you are over 370 bucks, and will lose about 20 a month to costs. You will make money soon. Dont worry. And DO NOT LET ANYONE STEAL YOUR DREAMS
How not to let your dream get stolen:
1. No reading negative information regarding your "business"
2. No advice from anyone outside the "business"
3. No listening to your friends or neighbors, or family, especially if they are NOT IN THE BUSINESS!!!!
DREAM YOUR OWN DREAMS!!
Peace
How not to let your dream get stolen:
1. No reading negative information regarding your "business"
2. No advice from anyone outside the "business"
3. No listening to your friends or neighbors, or family, especially if they are NOT IN THE BUSINESS!!!!
DREAM YOUR OWN DREAMS!!
Peace
Monday, February 06, 2006
This past superbowl will go down as one of the lamest, slowest, games of the rich 40 year history. I was personally rooting on the Hawks, for all the right reasons. Foremost, because seattle always sinks in sports championships. I would like to see the latte drinking, rain loving people of Seattle a victory. But, NO DICE!!! I mean, what the crap was Mike Holmgren thinking throughout the game. Pathetic play calling, finger pointing, and some weak, excuse for football plays ensued. The steelers, however, didn't do crap either. SInce the game was a waste, I mention the commercials. My favourite commercial of the Super Bowl was (FED EX) http://video.google.com/superbowl.html,
I think both teams should have gone home without the trophy. And as for the ROLLING STONES!!!!! PLEASE. Let's get some real entertainment. The half-time show was a pathetic joke. Aretha made it shades of better, but overall, it was LAMO!! What about some of the other artists from MOTOWN. Ted Nugent. If you are going to dig into the past, at least dig up someone who has EVOLVED with the times. I'm all about expression, but really, I was sick to my stomach. I'm convinced the price of seats at the game were high due to the cost of EMT's waiting on standby during the half time performance for the "sake of the entertainers."
So many artists from Detroit. Why can't we come up with one to represent?
A disgrace indeed.
Mach
I think both teams should have gone home without the trophy. And as for the ROLLING STONES!!!!! PLEASE. Let's get some real entertainment. The half-time show was a pathetic joke. Aretha made it shades of better, but overall, it was LAMO!! What about some of the other artists from MOTOWN. Ted Nugent. If you are going to dig into the past, at least dig up someone who has EVOLVED with the times. I'm all about expression, but really, I was sick to my stomach. I'm convinced the price of seats at the game were high due to the cost of EMT's waiting on standby during the half time performance for the "sake of the entertainers."
So many artists from Detroit. Why can't we come up with one to represent?
A disgrace indeed.
Mach
This post is really just a thank you to the wonderful Think-Tank which devised the safety plan for the students of this prestigious learning mecca.
Take out your handbook boys and girls and turn to the yellow pages. Within the directives of "The Emergency Guide" you will find various instructions to ensure your safety in the event of a disaster. Let us review some of the instructions.
General Earthquake Instructions
1. Do NOT go sightseeing. Thank goodness for this directive. This is why tuition is so high. These thinktanks are NOT cheap.
2. Keep streets clear for emergency vehicles. Why do the emergency personnel get to go sightseeing and not us? Mind control I tell ya.
Thanks for reading this. Please, leave a comment. Swear at me. Hate me. Just OBEY the DIRECTIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Now I have two major life accomplishments. The time I slept for 18 hours in July and I wasn't even sick and my four word review of "The New World" made it onto fwfr.com. Check it out (the one posted by via) -http://www.fwfr.com/display.asp?ID=14348. Granted anyone who can string four words together gets posted, but an accomplishment is an accomplishment. Next up - viewing a picture of Paris Hilton without getting physically ill.
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