Getting to Know You

So my brother sent me one of those getting to know you emails. The ones where you answer random, innocuous questions and then email them back to the source and however many friends that you want knowing the last time you cried. I normally relish these emails because they give me a chance to completely B.S., however this time I was out B.S.ed by my brother. His answers were really funny and I knew that mine would look like a sad attempt to emulate him - my funnier, better looking brother. As a matter of principle I could not send actual answers. So I came up with this (read only the answers, it makes more sense):

1. FIRST NAME? ever notice how only cats are named Sassy
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? why should only cats be named that
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? is it because cats can sleep whenever they want
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I'm sleepy
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? my office smells like cheese
6. KIDS? I want a doughnut
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? with cheese on it
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? and Vegemite
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? and a space heater
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? from the D.I.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? why must everything you buy at the D.I. smell like the D.I.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? like dust and b.o.
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM! OFF? I once found a dresser there that did not smell like D.I.
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? it smelled like poop
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? old diaper poop
16. SHOE SIZE? I bought it anyway
17. RED OR PINK? poop smell gets a bad rap
18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOUR SELF? feta cheese smells much worse
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? my office smells like cheese
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? not feta cheese
21. WHAT PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? mozzarella
22. LAST THING YOU ATE? with a trace of pickles
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? and pimento loaf
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? I prefer pumpkin bread
25. FAVORITE SMELL? with chocolate chips
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? and peppercorns
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? and salt sprinkled lightly on the top
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? like hard specks of dandruff
29. FAVORITE DRINK? on the head of a bald man using self-tanning cream
30. FAVORITE SPORT? orange is the new tan
31. EYE COLOR? irrelevant is the new relevant
32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? toenails are the new fingernails
33. FAVORITE FOOD? I once saw toenails as thick as hockey pucks
34. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? same color too
35. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? they made me dry heave
36. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? and have nightmares
37. SUMMER OR WINTER? about Hobbits
38. HUGS OR KISSES? with hockey puck toenails
39. FAVORITE DESSERT? Gandalf insists on their getting manicures
40. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? before returning the ring of power
41. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? he says that they don't want to end up like Sauron
42. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? his hockey pucks eventually became curling stones
43. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? which smelled like feta
44. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? the stench killed off most of the Ents
45. FAVORITE SOUNDS? that and the logging industry
46. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I like those fake logs that light up when you plug them in
47. THE FURTHEST YOU BEEN FROM HOME? no fire hazard
48. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? unless the cord has a short
49. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? then you're screwed

Don't ask to read his. I deleted it.