Hunger/Embarrassment Pains

So I’m sitting in class last night – starving. I go straight to school from work and I don’t have time to eat in between. Anyhoo, we are discussing gyres in Keat’s poetry and I say in a really loud voice, “MMMM, GYRO!” I don’t even pronounce it correctly. Low blood sugar made me do it.

Found then Lost














I recently found a vintage store that I love only to find out that it is closing. I think I'm cursed, every place I love closes. My sister says it is because I have freakish taste but I know that I am not the only one who gets excited when they find a Leonard Nimoy record. He does a cover of "Proud Mary" that is phenomenal. Anyhoo, I spent last weekend buying as much stuff from there as I could, including the radio that is pictured above. It worked great until I saturated it with my drool. In addition to the awesomeness of old stuff, the building the store is located in is probably one of the coolest in the town. I was petrified that it would be torn down, but the storeowners assured me that the impossibly hip individuals from San Francisco who bought it, would not destroy it. If they do, I hope that they are cursed with excessive back hair. Needless to say, I'm sure that they will gut and renovate it so I am going there this weekend to take pictures of the beauty that is old school warehouse. I just hope that my craptastic photography will do it justice.

Nothing to post ... nothing has happened. Oh wait! I ate some pudding. Yum!

I'm hoping he thinks I'm perpetually sunburned

So I saw my crush today and spoke to him for what had to be the longest I've ever spoken to him - one half hour. I was the shade of a nice ripe tomato the whole time and I laughed like some hysterical spaz. The best part was when my friend told him that he had to fix my computer yesterday because it seized up and I said, "it is because I download all that porn." He got this look on his face and I thought, "tell him you are kidding - you would never download porn on your work computer - that is what the home one is for." Unfortunately nothing came out of my mouth. I just sat there, frozen in a state of panic. I now understand perfectly why I don't date and should probably never date so as to save the men of the world from my extreme awkwardness.

Sundance Sweetness

This past weekend I had the chance to attend a few screenings of some Sundance films. I was very excited to go because I looooooooovvvvvvveeeeeeeee movies. Anything that detracts from reality is tops with me. I saw the films Waitress, Eagle vs Shark, and La Misma Luna. I thoroughly enjoyed all three, but I think that Eagle vs Shark was my favorite. It was quirky and strange and it spoke to me. I too hope to someday meet a mulleted, socially awkward, numchuck wielding candle maker who will lie to other people about my accomplishments or lack thereof. That is love to me.

Can't think - must revel in his muffininess

I am in a total fog. I can't even think. I shared a tangerine with my secret crush and it was, quite possibly, the best thing that has happened to me so far this year. I'm pretty sure my crush would freak out if he knew how much I cherished sharing fruity goodness with him. He is, after all, of a very kind and sharing nature (thus his appeal) and shares most of his food with those around the workplace. I just get really really giddy whenever I am around him. Giddy and stupid cuz my mind tends to blank and I look as if I were the poor intern who forgot to lock up Paula Abdul's meds. Thus incurring the wrath of Simon Cowell, who I am sure would suffocate me in one of his shrink-to-fit tees. What was I saying? Oh yeah, tangerines with my crush. Best snack ever!

New year ... more of the same

I used to wax poetic about how fantastic the new year would be. I had all of these ideas about how this year would be different from last. I would finally learn to take pictures that were as nice as those taken by hyperactive four year olds. I would learn to make food that did not have the consistency of burnt evil. I would not forget everything I learned within three minutes of learning it.

All of these resolutions seem doable, but by the end of every year I am still in the same place that I was at the beginning - blurring, burning and blanking. I decided this year, in order to same myself from feelings of failure, I WILL NOT make any resolutions or hold onto any delusions of future competence. I will not only embrace my ability to completely bungle all endeavors. I will celebrate my ineptitude. 2007 is going to rock!

Holidays and Stuff

So I have been sick on and off pretty much through the whole holiday break. I hate being sick when festivities are afoot. I am surrounded by food and I don't have the stomach to eat it. So since I was bummed to begin with, I decided to read The Bell Jar. I finished it with enough time left over to help my nephew build the Krusty Krab with Legos. I have pictures of said Krusty Krab, but I have been too lethargic to take them off my camera. You will just have to use your imagination and picture an eight year old and a girl way too old to play with Legos, squealing with delight at having finished their holiday project and now they can get to the real fun of playing make-believe in the land of Bikini Bottom - I call Squidward!

Sleep deprivation and stuff

So I haven’t posted in a while and it is not because something exciting has happened. Excitement for me is bringing home a brand new jar of processed cheese/salsa. I haven’t been posting because all of my mental ability has been focused on finishing my school work. I have spent the last two weeks languishing in my own personal version of hell – paper writing. It never fails that when I have to sit down and regurgitate the information my mind through some miracle retained, I freeze up. It is like someone threw a wrench in my head cogs and everything grinds to a halt. I can barely remember my name let alone anything that resembles scholastic knowledge. Some people call it writer’s block, some people call it a brain fart – I call it proof that I should never again have to write another paper. From now on I will prove that I have indeed learned something through the use of interpretive dance. Look for my performance of “Hamlet, now with extra Jazz hands” on YouTube.

Thanksgiving and junk

So I haven't been very good at posting lately, mostly because I haven't been around a computer and because I've been sick, like yak up my food sick. Anyhoo as you know last week was Thanksgiving or the day my family teases me incessantly about being a vegetarian. I find the best part of Thanksgiving is when my sister tries to get Hoshie to actually sit in a chair and eat something made up of solid matter. I'm convinced the kid survives on anger and the occasional block of cheese. I never saw Hoshie put any food in his mouth, but I did hear the screams of rage he emitted throughout the afternoon as a result of having to play with actual human beings as opposed to something manufactured by Nintendo. My family was able to enjoy the meal, content in the knowledge that while he may not be getting his daily intake of protein, he has more than enough rage to sustain him through Independence Day.

Chilly

"So Hoshie, I heard that you ate lunch with the Principle because you're such a good student."

"Yeah"

"What did you have?"

"Chili, in a bowl, it was plastic."

Nature Crouching

My sister and I like to go to the Art Stroll our community has the first Friday of every month. Our stroll always involves me drinking one glass of wine and for the rest of the evening having no volume control (total lightweight). It makes for a fun time when you are looking at abstract art, "OH, IT LOOKS LIKE GRANDMA'S FAKE NAILS, YOU KNOW AFTER SHE HAS MADE STUFFING AND BREAD CRUMBS ARE STUCK ALL UP IN HER NAIL BEDS!!!!!" That Friday one gallery we stopped at was featuring photography from various artists. My sister and I started at one end of the room and at about the third wall, we came across of photo of feet, but they were not just feet, they were feet at the beach. It took me a minute before the whole context of the picture came to me and when it did, "IT'S SOMEONE PEEING, THEY ARE CROUCHING ON THE BEACH - PEEING!" Normally peeing on the beach would not elicit such a strong reaction from me unless said urination was occurring on my Spongebob towel. However, I was giddy from my glass of wine and I still laugh at what my mom refers to as bathroom jokes, i.e. any joke involving things that take place in a bathroom. The photo was one of many in what I am referring to as the artist's "urination" series. All featured women in various locations answering the call of nature. By the time I reached the last picture I felt bad for my initial reaction because I believe in the artist's right of expression. This artist was trying to say something and I was too focused on remembering that time when I crouched the wrong way on a hill. As a show of penance I offered to purchase "Crouching in the forest" for my sister, but she declined. I think she preferred "Crouching in a field."

My persona makes most men run away

Read My Result
Take the Test

The SonnetDeliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf)

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth

CONSIDER: The Loverboy

I tried to get him to meow like that Grudge kid, but he would only scream

So Halloween fell on a Tuesday, holidays are never as fun when they fall on weekdays. How can you truly party if you know that you have to appear at your respective job, competent and fully-clothed, in eight hours? Not that I had anywhere to party, I spent the night hanging with Shakespeare and Hoshie and trying to be in the same room with those two is hard. Shakespeare feels that Hoshie doesn’t “get him.” I don’t really “get him” either, but I am good at faking like I do. I was also bummed because my costume didn’t work. I was planning on dressing up as Stuart from Mad TV, but I bought my costume at the last minute and I ended up looking like Bill Gates would if he had just lost a lot of weight. I had pictured in my mind, looking almost exactly like Stuart, except without the crossed eyes, because my eyes don’t do that (the only trick they perform is focusing exactly one foot in front of them and no more). Hoshie’s costume however, turned out fantastic. He was a ghost and you would have thought that my sister would have laid off the face paint because the kid already glows in the dark, but she didn’t and the result was half ghost, half kid from The Grudge. I immediately asked him, “What does a cat say?” hoping to get that creepy cat sound from him. Instead I received a little non-menacing, “meow.” I said, “no, you have to think feral cat with rabies and a severe case of mange – rrrrrrmeoowwwwwrrrrrrrr.” He refused to say it and I told him that Hollywood would never take him with an attitude like that and as his agent I was entitled to 20% of his candy.

Typical Halloween Talk

“I love The Lost Boys. Any movie that features vampires with mullets is automatically the best.”

“And earrings”

“Yes, man jewelry does add to the appeal. I also enjoy the movie with the cat people.”

“Cat People?”

“No, the other cat people. The mother and son cat people.”

“The one where they can be defeated by actual cats and slutty people.”

“Yes, that one.”

I would have pressed the issue but his scream makes my ears bleed

This weekend I spent some quality time with Hoshie. I went to my sister’s house to pick her up for our weekly walk (I have to try and fight my butt from taking over the entire southern portion of my body) and when I walked in the door I came upon Hoshie. For a moment I thought I was in the wrong house and then I thought someone had replaced my Hoshie with one that did not have game paddles surgically attached to his hands. Upon further examination I realized that it was indeed my Hoshie. Translucent skin: check; Permanent scowl: check; Smells of cheese and anger: check. What threw me off was the fact that he held in his hands a piece of paper, plain, simple, non-electronic paper. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that he was doing his homework. He was answering questions to a story he had just finished reading, The Little Red Hen. I remembered that story well as it taught me the valuable lesson that all lazy asses would starve unless they had money to eat out. Thank god I have money to eat out. Hoshie had to fill in a multiple choice test using the information he gathered from the story, i.e.

The Little Red Hen was:
A. Underpaid because she worked in Walmart’s bakery
B. Extremely happy that the no-carbs diet disappeared
C. Stressing over outsourcing to country where the dog, cat and pig would not only work, but would do it for a fraction of the cost

One of the questions asked how the dog, cat and pig felt at the end of the story. The answer choices ranged from happy to various states of misery. Hoshie chose happy. I went through the end of the story with him and asked him if he thought that the dog, cat and pig were really happy given that they were going to starve. Hoshie said yes they were happy. When I asked him why, he said that they wanted to help. Yes Hoshie, but they only wanted to help after warm, yeasty goodness was denied them. I felt very strongly that said animals would be somewhat saddened at the prospect of having to resort to eating manure yet again. Hoshie however was convinced that they all were extremely happy at the end and I have to give the kid credit for having such a positive attitude. Me I picture the dog, cat and pig plotting some horrific revenge on the condescending hen, one involving bees, a viola and some Boudreaux’s Butt Paste.

Same old Same old

So I have nothing really to talk about this week because my life is THAT BORING. The most I can say that I accomplished was I informed some people that the building they work in smells like feet (I just love verbal diarrhea) and then I hounded my friend for details on my secret crush. "What does his hair look like today and how does he smell?" Both very important questions. My friend, apparently felt differently as he informed me that he is not that comfortable sniffing another man. I would sniff random strangers for him, but he can't do me a solid by leaning in close to the man that I think about WAY too much. Where is the love?

Weekly Recap

So here is a rundown of my week since I am too lazy to actually post something daily and only one day contained anything remotely interesting. Unless you find talk of shopping for a minestrone soup that doesn’t make me yak interesting. That interesting day was today and the thing that made today interesting was a visit from my sweet nephew Hoshie. I had been telling my co-workers Hoshie stories for months. I would tell them how he wouldn’t eat unless you shut off all power within a two block radius in order to pry him away from his Game Cube. I told them how when he did eat, he would only eat things that were made of cheese or entirely hidden by cheese. I told them how, when I asked him to shut off his electronic crack, he would write scathing notes about how he “hats” me and then would proceed to scream when I asked him to elaborate as to whether he Bowler or Fedora “hats” me. Needless to say, the kid has become something of a legend in my office. So today when he came with his mom to visit me, I was worried that he would be extremely angry because he was forced to do something that didn’t involve a game paddle. However he was actually quite sweet and proceeded to leave three sticky notes on my desk. One said, “I love you.” One said, “Your the best.” And the last one had a portrait of me that I have entitled “Via of the Giant Hands”. It was really quite sweet. My coworkers all remarked that Joshua was very cute, very pale and only smelled a little of cheese and anger.

Red Bull gives me stomach cramps

So I tried my first Red Bull today, not because I was curious, but because I give in very easily to peer pressure. Oh my God! My hands are shaking as I type. My head feels funny and I’m sure it is my stomach that they are hearing in the House of Leaves. I’ve realized that I should not drink Red Bull for two reasons. Reason 1: I consume way too much caffeine during the day and the addition of a Red Bull sends me into some sort of caffeinated psychosis. Reason 2: Aspartame makes me violently ill. Why I didn’t read the ingredients before I chugged, we’ll just chalk it up to my unbridled enthusiasm at trying something that tastes like liquid Spree. I have learned my lesson and will steer clear of Red Bull, until I forget said lesson as I do with all lessons I learn (see hair cut incident).

Nerd, Geek or Dork

So I took this online quiz (THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST) and here are my results -

Outcast Genius - 60 % Nerd, 65% Geek, 82% Dork
For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in all three, earning you the title of: Outcast Genius. Outcast geniuses usually are bright enough to understand what society wants of them, and they just don't care! They are highly intelligent and passionate about the things they know are *truly* important in the world. Typically, this does not include sports, cars or make-up, but it can on occasion (and if it does then they know more than all of their friends combined in that subject). Outcast geniuses can be very lonely, due to their being outcast from most normal groups and too smart for the room among many other types of dorks and geeks, but they can also be the types to eventually rule the world, ala Bill Gates, the prototypical Outcast Genius. Congratulations! - I could have guessed on the outcast thing, but the genius part was a pleasant surprise.

My fantastic, social butterfly of a sister took it as well and here are her results -

Joe Normal - 34 % Nerd, 26% Geek, 17% Dork
For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored less than half in all three, earning you the title of: Joe Normal. This is not to say that you don't have some Nerd, Geek or Dork inside of you--we all do, and you can see the percentages you have right above. This is just to say that none of those qualities stand out so much as to define you. Sure, you enjoy an episode of Star Trek now and again, and yeah, you kinda enjoyed a few classes back in the day. And, once in a while, you stumble while walking down the street even though there was nothing there to cause you to trip. But, for the most part, you look and act fairly typically, and aren't much of an outcast. I'd say there's a fair chance someone asked you to take this test (her outcast genius sister did). In any event, fairly normal. Congratulations!

I should have known that all those years of watching Doctor Who would stunt my social growth.