The Birds

Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel like you just stepped into a scene from a movie? I had always hoped that I would have one of those moments and that my moment would be the one from “Sixteen Candles” where Molly Ringwald comes out of the church and Jake Ryan is waiting for her outside, leaning on his red sports car. Alas my moment would have to be the one from “The Birds” where Tippi Hedren looks out the window only to find that birds have taken over the lawn.
So I came home from running errands Saturday and found what had to have been a dozen or so magpies standing on my back porch squawking loudly. I had never seen magpies do this before. I was immediately freaked out, because in my paranoid mind they were planning my untimely demise. It is not actually that far fetched that birds would plan my demise, I was once dive bombed by a crow in a parking lot. It scared me so bad that I almost choked on my juice box. It would have made more sense if I had nest hair, but my hair has no volume whatsoever. Miller’s hair looks like a nest, I call it the “Eagle’s Nest.” It is very majestic, like you would picture an eagle’s nest being. Anyhoo, I decided to open the door and do the whole crotchety “What the HELL are you doing on my porch!?!” routine only I would feel horrible if I actually did yell at them so it would have come out more like “Yeah, sorry to bug you, but you’re kind of pooping on my hose.” Anyhoo I opened the door and all the birds flew off, all but one. This bird happened to be lying on the pavement, feet sticking straight in the air. My first thought was “OH MY GOD! BIRD FLU!” I screamed and slammed the door. My step-dad had to dispose of the poor dead thing. He told me that the bird had died of old age and that you could tell this because its legs were wrinkly. I think that he said this because he desperately needed the saran wrap I had used to create my sterile bubble suit. In the end I accepted his explanation and formed my own opinion for why the birds all gathered around squawking at their dead comrade. That bird possessed some knowledge he had yet to share. Knowledge that would have changed magpie life forever. Randall (yep, I named him) the smartest of all the magpies had figured out the plot to “Syriana.”