Fighting the man

So I’ve decided that I am going to try and save my old elementary school. This summer a new school will be completed and the old one will be demolished. I cannot bear the thought of yet another historic building being lost in my town. Some of the first buildings here were demolished and a McDonald’s stands in their place – A MCDONALD’S! It is horrific in its generic-ness. This school is one of the last of the old town buildings and I have to try and save it. I am doing research on old buildings and understand that it can be rather cost prohibitive, but it shouldn’t be all about money, we need to preserve our history. Imagine if Europe had leveled everything every hundred or so years and rebuilt – it would look like the newer parts of my town – CRAPPY! Yes I am ranting, but I am passionate about old things! They are awesome! I am using an excessive amount of exclamation points! Anyway, I have a number of plans in the works. One plan involves trying to come up with the money to turn the school into the town museum. They are planning to build a new building in which they would display historic pictures of our town, pictures featuring buildings THAT WERE DEMOLISHED. How fantastic would it be if that history resided in a living, historical representation of the town’s past? It would be frackin’ great! That is my ideal plan. My “if all else fails” plan involves chaining myself to the school. If you find yourself in my town this summer and you feel as passionately about old buildings as I do, please support the cause and bring me Pop Tarts.

Marriage talk with Hoshie

Hoshie - "Aunt Via, are you ever getting married?"

Me - "No Hoshie. I am going to move in with you and your wife when I am very old and you will have to take care of me."

(A look of horror washes over Hoshie's pale, freckled face.)

Hoshie's mom - "Yes and she will be sleeping in your bed, in between you and your wife as payback for all the years you spent in between me and your father."

Me - "And when I cough during the night my teeth will land on your pillow."

He loves his Auntie Via - SO MUCH!

So I go to visit my sister and I am looking for my cute, pale (yes, still - in the middle of summer) Hoshie so that I can say hi. Usually when I arrive I am greeted by a chorus of "Aunt Via!" but that chorus never includes a certain ghostly child because he is too busy waiting for the skin on his hands to graft onto his Wii - then they will NEVER be separated. I always have to search him out and yell "HI HOSHIE!" at the top of my lungs so that I may receive a half-muttered "oh, hi" in return. I then decide that his adorably pale self must be hugged. That action elicits a curt "stop it" from Hoshie and I answer with "I hug you because I love you" and that is answered with "I am playing my Wii" which is code for "leave me the hell alone woman!" For now I will still try to hug him because one day he will grow up and think showers are for losers and then I won't really want to hug him. I will still love him but I have an adversion to hugging people who smell like feet.

Hee Hee

Xanaduuuuuuuu

So this weekend I had a good helping of Xanadu. Granted it is not the best Michael Beck movie, that would be The Warriors, but it still has its charms thanks to large helpings of leg warmers and feathered hair. Plus I love movie guys, they are generally not douche-bags like real guys.

MySpaced Out

So I was trying to find my niece's MySpace page because I am nosy. I was able to find my nephew's and apparently he is the world's greatest sith. Good on ya Drew! However, I could not locate her's. I did however see about 10 billion pictures of kissing couples and 20 billion pictures of some chick's cleavage. Does signing up for Myspace mean that I will have to either put a camera down my shirt or find some random guy to suck face with while I try to capture said moment of awkwardness? I have no cleavage and I don't like to be touched so I am screwed. I have now decided that my picture here on The Black Project is too provocative and I should change it to something more classy - like a shot of my coin slot.

Updates and Such

So yeah, exciting things have been happening, actually one exciting thing has happened - I had Lasik - YEAH! I can now see when I wake up. It is a total trip. The procedure was quick and painless except for the ice water they dumped in my eyes which gave me a massive ice cream headache. I went into the Lasik room barely avoiding running into the machinery and tripping over the many power cables and I came out able to see the features on everyone's faces. I could see eyes and noses!

My eyes hurt like a mother for the first few days (I had PRK Lasik) so I caved and took the prescribed pain medicine. Holy pickles, my dreams were strange! I am blaming the dreams on the pain meds rather than the fact I lived off Starbursts for five days straight. In one of my dreams I was a vampire, only I didn't bite people, I was just wandering down the street, minding my own business when a black bear attacked me, and then a wolf, and then a Shitzu. It was nuts, I just kept seeing teeth coming at me.

Once my eyes felt better. I buried the meds in the backyard where they could no longer do harm to my psyche. I then had to deal with the blurry vision which I was assured was normal. My friend and I both had Lasik on the same day and she was blurry too so I didn't stress. I am still a little blurry now, but I my vision is improving.

In other news I have been trying to spend more time with my nephews by dragging them to movies I want to see. I took my nephew D to see Hellboy II. He was extremely excited to go and let out a squeal usually heard coming out of the mouths of tweens at a Jonas Brothers concert. How he can get his sixteen year old voice to reach that octave, I will never know.

Next I took my nephew Yert to The Dark Knight. He and I both loved it and he spent the rest of the day asking people why they were so serious. Most responded it was because gas was over $4 a gallon. I spent the rest of the day trying to do the Batman growl and I think I destroyed my vocal chords.

I still need to take Hoshie and Chaser to a movie. I want to find something a little less violent for Hoshie since he is fairly young. As for Chaser, I told him I would take him to The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II. He is a HUGE America Ferrera fan. Sometimes I catch him dressed as Ugly Betty asking an imaginary Daniel if he would like a latte.

August will be AWESOME!

Oops!

So my boss walks into work the other day with pictures from the HRC Gala. He places one on the desk of my coworker and asks, "Do you notice anything unusual about this picture?" She looks at it for a moment and then she looks at me and I'm all, "What? Was I humming Iron Maiden again?" My boss then picks up the picture and brings it over to me. In the forefront of the picture are my boss and two coworkers. And in the background? Well that would be me making a face that is only meant to be pulled when someone lights their cubicle on fire. I immediately had a flashback of me, with only wine in my belly, making faces behind my boss and two coworkers while they were having their picture taken. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but so did that purchase of parachute pants in the nineties. I felt bad, only I couldn't stop laughing so the remorse did not seem genuine. I ended up e-mailing the picture to my brother and he gave me an A+ for my ability to ruin what would have been a great picture if it weren't for the demented person in the background.

Most Fun Ever!

Among some of the old things I hoard are dresses. I found a dress last summer at an antique shop and thanks to the events of this past weekend, I was able to wear it and I looked hot! Normally I would say I looked semi presentable, but one of my friends told me that I looked so good, he would consider going straight for me. Best compliment ever. I think that earned me a hot. What was this fabulous event? It was the annual HRC gala and it was probably some of the most fun I have ever had in my life and it was for an excellent cause so win win.

The night started with me drinking on an empty stomach and getting a little buzzed (one glass of wine - light weight). I was wearing heels and I was so worried that I was going to teeter into the pool, but I didn't. I just ended up squealing loudly when I saw they were auctioning off scooters. I wanted me one so bad. I have often pictured myself riding a scooter down the road, the wind drying my moist pits. Ahhhhhh! Anyhoo, the buzz wore off in time for dinner where I stuffed myself - BIG TIME! It was seriously some of the best food I have ever eaten. I am still thinking about it as I type this. I had a plate of delicious sauteed vegetables and about five desserts.

After dinner my friend made good on his promise to dance with me and I totally spazzed out on the dance floor. At one point I karate chopped some poor women on the head. I forgot my rule about leaving a good five feet of open space around me so as to avoid any collateral damage. I apologized profusely, but she still scuzzed me and stomped away. Oops.

I ended the night riding back to my car with some friends (I shuttled in). We discussed music and I butchered the words to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing." I was a tad embarrassed until one of my fellow carpoolers destroyed Abba's "Waterloo." Suddenly, I didn't feel an urge to write a long apologetic e-mail to Steve Perry for ruining his awesome anthem.

She's here and she's operating on a completely different time-zone!

Yes my sweet Squidgy is in town and I am soooooo happy and sleep deprived. Squidgy is on her home time and every morning around 6:00 a.m., she pounds on my door. It's her way of saying, "wake up Auntie Via, my mother has checked out as parent and you must entertain me." I love my Squidgy, but I also love sleep. Her favorite thing to play with me is hair dresser, this game consists of her pulling my hair until it falls out in chunks. She also loves to mimic everything I say. This will come in handy when I teach her some choice phrases to repeat to my sister like; "I need to make a beer run." or "You smell like armpit, mom." or "I'm voting Democrat." The last phrase will certainly push my sister over the edge as she has signed away her family's soul to Mitt Romney.

Countdown to Squidgy!

So there are a little over 24 hours before my cute Squidgy is here to visit. I am so excited to see her, especially now that she has grown out of her crap-smearing phase. No longer are my endless articles of vintage shizz in danger of being tainted by toddler pooh. All I will have to worry about is her tinkling on the books that litter my floor if her mom tries to have her use the evil potty. I think she developed a fear of the toilet when her mom would yell, "NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" as she washed her binky in the bowl. The toilet became bad, like strangers and mullets after Labor Day. It doesn't bother me that she stays in diapers a little longer, but then I am not her parent and I don't have to change her. In fact, I disappear when the room suddenly starts to stink. It is wonderful being an aunt.

The SX-70 with 600 film

So obviously the ancient Time Zero film had some issues. I followed the advice on the Polaroid website and used 600 film with some minor modifications, namely some removal of nubs. The website said you should alter the camera, but this camera is bitchin' and I have no desire to ruin its mojo. Anyhoo, I decided just to put the exposure as low as it would go and take my chances. Fellow SX-70 users did not seemed pleased with the results of using 600 film, but I thought the pictures turned out kind of cool although I have no basis of comparison because the Time Zero photos I took were warped (see previous post). The following pictures were taken in fairly low light because the faster film tends to overexpose easily. The one I took outside shows some overexposure due to the sunlight, but still, I think it turned out okay.

Fun with the SX-70

So lately I have been taking pictures with this ...















... and I love it. The only bummer is that the film I have been using is 10 years old. The results being these ...



















and



















You may be asking why I didn't buy new film, film where the WHOLE picture will develop. I'll tell you why - because Polaroid stopped making film for these cameras two years ago. In fact, Polaroid will stop producing instant film in 2009, thereby guaranteeing that future generations will have no clue when Andre 3000 sings "shake it like a Polaroid picture." Their reaction will be similar to mine when my grandma looked up in the sky and said, "Oh, a dirigible" and I said, "where is it, behind the blimp?"

The whole Polaroid thing really upsets me, especially because my biggest fear is that one day film will cease to exist and I love taking pictures the old fashioned way. I love digital photography as well because I can instantly delete all my crap pictures and no evidence will remain to haunt me. However, one big draw with film is being able to develop the film and print print pictures. I think that process is so much fun. It is almost as exciting for me as that time I discovered the "off menu" Jamba Juice. So anyway because my brain just went on strike I will finish this post with an ode to old school film. Below are pictures my grandparents took of Hoover Dam back in the day. Enjoy!

Not So Smooth Criminal

Me: "Wally, did I get any mail today?"

My step-dad Wally: "I think you received one of those entertainment magazines."

Me: "Where is it?"

Wally heads into the garage where the recycling is kept and comes back a few minutes later with the magazine in his hand.

Me: "You recycled my Entertainment Weekly! Before I had even read it! You do realize that mail tampering is a federal offense?"

Wally: "Oh Whoopee!" (Said in same tone as neener neener neener.)

Me: "Don't think I won't report you."

I won't really report him. I just enjoy lobbing out idle threats. However this week's issue has a very hot looking Harrison Ford on the cover and I would have been pissed had I missed that.

Tryin’ To be Frugal

So yes I went to Ikea and spent money, but it wasn’t that much and I am feeling buyer’s remorse as I type this. I need to be saving money and cutting back on my spending. Why you say? Three reasons: Reason 1 – I think the Ghetto Bug is dying; Reason 2 – I would someday, hopefully, like to move out of my parents’ house so I won’t feel like quite so much the loser; Reason 3 – I want to attend grad school outside the state I currently reside in. There you have it.

Shoppin'

So the weather was nice for a minute and do you think I spent that minute basking in yummy warmness? HELL NO! I went to Ikea where I could bask in Swedish frugalness. Anyhoo I purchased a clock and a shelving unit for my shizz. I also bought some cute aquatic finger puppets to give to my Squidgy the next time she visits. Right now my sister is frantically trying to potty train my cute Squidgy before she starts pre pre school. All she has managed to do so far is enrage Squidgy so that instead of going on her nice Pottery Barn kids toilet (or whatever fancy brand my sister bought for what basically amounts to a crap receptacle), Squidgy uses the living room floor as her own personal water closet. I have to admit that I would laugh if I were there to see Squidgy squatting in defiance, but only until said squatting took place over my luggage.

Desperately Seeking Gratitude

So Hoshie showed me his mid-term report card and he received all E’s, as in E for Excellent. He had the cutest little grin on his face and I wanted to reward him for his efforts because I feel like I’m still scarred from getting JACK from my family for all my years of scholastic endeavors. So I reached in my purse, pulled out a dollar (I’m not cheap, I’m broke) and placed it in his pasty little hand. Immediately his smiled turned into a scowl and he grumbles, “I wanted a video game.” Apparently the E in citizenship only applies at school.

On another note, Black Project posts will not be as frequent because my family just subscribed to expanded cable and I have me some TV to watch.

OH YEAH!

Yep, I've finally watched these and I love them! If I made one I would want it to be "I'm f**king Jeff Fahey," because he's bitchin.

He's Back!

So I call my sister today and when she answers the phone I can barely hear her because Hoshie is screaming his angry little lungs out in the background. Ladies and gentlemen ... all's right with the world.

Hugs from Hoshie

So I have been remiss in my family visiting duties lately what with all the work and letting my hair return to its natural, hideous color (I call the shade sewer rat). So anyhoo, I finally went to see my sister, otherwise known as she who gave birth to the world's angriest child, and upon entering her house a SMILING Hoshie ran up to me and gave me a big hug. For a second I thought I entered bizarro world where angry Hoshie became happy Hoshie and suddenly I got all excited because if this was bizarro world then dateless Via would suddenly become guy-magnet Via and that has been my dream ever since I spent my prom night watching Doctor Who - alone (for the longest time I thought Tom Baker and that dude from REO Speedwagon were the same person). So anyway I quickly realized that no I had not entered bizarro world because my surly niece, she was still surly (she gets it from me) and Hoshie - he still smelled of cheese rather than beef (I'm assuming that beef is the bizarro equivalent of cheese). True I was disappointed that I would still be spending my Friday nights watching Ghost Whisperer all the while being pissed off because Jennifer Love Hewitt has way better boobs than me, but for the time being I could be happy knowing that my little Hoshie loved me, if only for ten minutes, because after ten minutes he screams in my face and kicks me in the shins.