Separated at Birth






















So I see a resemblance. Looks like Jade comes from pure evil - pure, delusional evil.

NOT MORE CLOTHES!

So this weekend we celebrated my nephew Hoshie's sixth birthday and I was confronted with the daunting task of trying to find a gift for him. My other nephews love legos, action figures and the occasional sequined bag - not Hoshie. His gift must require a power source and lead to carpal tunnel. Video games are the only thing he will play. On the occasions when he is banned from video games, you can find him running around at a frantic pace, stabbing and slashing the air with a stick as if the air were to blame for him being torn from his electronic crack. I refuse to feed his video game addiction and so for his birthday I bought him clothes (a stack of kindling while enjoyable to Hoshie would have made me look cheap). When it came time to open my gift, he ripped through the tissue paper, grabbed the clothes and then promptly threw them on the ground with a whine about how clothes are the worst gift ever. I thought deodorant was the worst gift ever, but I stand corrected. I think as a result of my horrible gift, that I have scarred him for life. I can see the adult Hoshie now, sitting in a permanent groove on his sofa shouting, "CLOTHES, WHO WANTS CLOTHES FOR THEIR BIRTHDAY!" After which he bends down and sniffs Warioworld up his nose.

May 16, 2006 9:39 am US/Mountain

Provo Law Prohibits Snow Cone Sales Until June 1
Temperatures are in the mid-80s, but don't look for a refreshing shave-ice treat in Provo until next month.

The city prohibits its sale before June 1.

Taylor Headman, 14, hoped to open her shave-ice stand early this year for extra money but then discovered the ordinance.

"It's kind of a dumb law, I think," said Taylor, who wanted to open a stand in time to raise money for an upcoming class trip.

Her father, Justin, a Provo firefighter, and others called this spring to complain about the ordinance.

Mayor Lewis Billings told the council about the issue at a recent meeting.

"I thought it was stupid," Billing said. "Why do we care if they sell (shave ice) before June 1?"

Councilwoman Cindy Clark, who with other city officials did not know why June 1 was made the start of the shave-ice season, said, "I think by next year we need to change that law."

Normal procedure would start with a hearing of the Planning Commission, which would then recommend an amendment to the City Council.

The mayor doesn't want to wait that long.

"Since we feel like there is pending legislation on shaved ice, we're not going to enforce the ordinance," Billings said.

Hawaii is the birthplace of shave ice, often incorrectly called "shaved ice" and sometimes mistaken for snow cones.

A snow cone is made of ice ground into chunks that don't hold the syrup, which pools in the bottom of the paper cone, the shave-ice aficionados say. Shave ice is shaved off a big block into a powder or small flakes that is easier to eat and absorbs the syrup, they say.

"It's like snow, so you can eat it instead of like ice, which you have to suck on," Taylor said. "There's more flavor and it's definitely sweeter."

So this weekend I completed my current read. I finally finished William Golding's "Lord of the Flies." Like most high school 9th graders, or Junior High Schoolers depending on where you went to school, I read "Lord of the Flies." However, I have decided to re-visit some of these books. I think I understand more about human nature now that I'm old and rotting away with each passing moment. The book is amazingly provocotive. Golding's book is one of the few books in which I felt sick by the end of the book due to the realization of its truthfullness. Although a ficticious narrative, the book is by no means immaginary. As time passes throughout the book, dissention, anarchy, and the balance of power incite many of the island captive children to metamorphose into creatures of their passions and carnal desires. Jack Merridew, the leading dissenter organizes a group of "Hunters," intent on following the rules of the jungle, "eat or be eaten," "kill or be killed," etc. Ralph, on the other hand, seeks rule of law and order in a collective effort to be civilized and eventually rescued through team-work. The dissention creates a nasty division among the children. Jack recruits many of Ralphs entrouage and creates little servants of evil. Rodger, Jack's righ-hand-man executes those who dare fight the law of the jungle. Graphic images of the Rodger's pole sharpened at both ends," -the tool designed to display Ralphs head are quite terrifying. Eventually, when it seems as though Ralph will follow the other boys who were executed, the boys are rescued - not only from the island, but from the dangerous reality of Jungle Law.

I give this book a good review.

Miller

Peace

No Stairway!!?? Denied!!!
SCHHHHHHHHWING!
Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and was a girl bunny?

Embarrassing Crushes

So my friend Rammy and I play this game called "Embarrassing Crushes." The goal of the game is to mortify the other person with your most embarrassing celebrity crush. During the course of the game we have realized that we have a number in common. There are two however that have resulted in a good hour's worth of taunting.

Via's Crush

Rammy's Crush

He Could Pass for Albino

So my nephew Hoshie is proof that people can be so pale that they can look like that clear glass man that allows you to see the inner organs. We could blame it on a sun allergy, but the truth is that the outdoors aren't wired for Mario Kart. Nature is no match for the awesome power of seizure inducing 3-D graphics.

This is another movie review. Lately it has been all i've done. One of the most recent films I watched was, "Goodnight and Good Luck," starring George Clooney. The film documents the valiant stand of News Reporter, Edward Murrow. The film depicts the tragic consequences of taking a stand against the "immoral and unethical fibers of society." Murrow, eventually loses his Prime-time news position. However, in the end it is Television who loses, the public who loses, and America who loses. The film contained amazing lighting techniques, which conveyed great emotion.

I give this film a good rating.

Machiavelli

Peace

So last night I watched Jarhead. I was quite dissapointed. Although I'm sure the experiences and events in the lives of each Marine are similar, I found the movie to be earily similar to Buzz Henderson's, "Spare Parts," and also a modern carbon copy of Full Metal Jacket. I did not find the movie original, or even captivating. I couldn't decide if the movie should be called "Jarhead" or "Cheating Partners." So-I give this film a poor rating-2 stars.

Machiavelli-
peace ya'll

p.s. The first pic is for Via

Hello, its me, Miller. Contrary to popular belief, I am not AWOL, nor missing, nor dead. What am I thinking? Contrary to popular belief!!! hahahah. What I should say is, contrary to our consitent 5 people reading base, I am still alive and chirping. Via is completely right. I am a poo face. I didnt show up to print her negs. I sorry, Via.
I'm currently experiencing a creative mental block. On the bright side, like a dam, the block will one day break and I'll have a creative explosion...so everyone..watch out. I heard a very interesting question on the radio today...So..without further adeu, I pass the question on to you..

Q: Why is evaporated milk a liquid?

Not too shabby of a question. Sure to incite even the most inpenetrable minds!!

Miller-
Peace

Silent Gory Gory Hill

So I went to see "Silent Hill" yesterday with my friend Rammy and my stepmom. My stepmom and I love scary movies and we always go see them together, unless any of our wonderful friends like Rammy want to come along. However, going with other people means that I have to endure a whole lotta teasing. The thing is, I am the easiest person in the world to scare. The smallest things freak me out - the back of the tupperware cupboard, handlebar mustaches, Ron Popeil - imagine running into him in a dark alley. The threat of GLH formula 9 alone makes me almost pee my pants. In order to be able to watch scary movies and then sleep at night, I cover my eyes during the scary parts or if I am at home alone I fast forward through them (nothing is scary at super fast speeds, except Richard Simmons). So we go to Silent Hill. I am all excited, ready to be scared by the sound of scary things. Turns out I didn't have to cover my eyes a bunch of times due to fear, just twice because I have a sensitive stomach. By the end of the movie I was utterly confused and tad queasy, but not scared.

Getting to Know You

So my brother sent me one of those getting to know you emails. The ones where you answer random, innocuous questions and then email them back to the source and however many friends that you want knowing the last time you cried. I normally relish these emails because they give me a chance to completely B.S., however this time I was out B.S.ed by my brother. His answers were really funny and I knew that mine would look like a sad attempt to emulate him - my funnier, better looking brother. As a matter of principle I could not send actual answers. So I came up with this (read only the answers, it makes more sense):

1. FIRST NAME? ever notice how only cats are named Sassy
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? why should only cats be named that
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? is it because cats can sleep whenever they want
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I'm sleepy
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? my office smells like cheese
6. KIDS? I want a doughnut
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? with cheese on it
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? and Vegemite
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? and a space heater
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? from the D.I.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? why must everything you buy at the D.I. smell like the D.I.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? like dust and b.o.
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM! OFF? I once found a dresser there that did not smell like D.I.
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? it smelled like poop
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? old diaper poop
16. SHOE SIZE? I bought it anyway
17. RED OR PINK? poop smell gets a bad rap
18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOUR SELF? feta cheese smells much worse
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? my office smells like cheese
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? not feta cheese
21. WHAT PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? mozzarella
22. LAST THING YOU ATE? with a trace of pickles
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? and pimento loaf
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? I prefer pumpkin bread
25. FAVORITE SMELL? with chocolate chips
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? and peppercorns
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? and salt sprinkled lightly on the top
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? like hard specks of dandruff
29. FAVORITE DRINK? on the head of a bald man using self-tanning cream
30. FAVORITE SPORT? orange is the new tan
31. EYE COLOR? irrelevant is the new relevant
32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? toenails are the new fingernails
33. FAVORITE FOOD? I once saw toenails as thick as hockey pucks
34. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? same color too
35. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? they made me dry heave
36. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? and have nightmares
37. SUMMER OR WINTER? about Hobbits
38. HUGS OR KISSES? with hockey puck toenails
39. FAVORITE DESSERT? Gandalf insists on their getting manicures
40. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? before returning the ring of power
41. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? he says that they don't want to end up like Sauron
42. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? his hockey pucks eventually became curling stones
43. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? which smelled like feta
44. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? the stench killed off most of the Ents
45. FAVORITE SOUNDS? that and the logging industry
46. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I like those fake logs that light up when you plug them in
47. THE FURTHEST YOU BEEN FROM HOME? no fire hazard
48. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? unless the cord has a short
49. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? then you're screwed

Don't ask to read his. I deleted it.

Preemptive Strike

So Miller is back and I feel bad for calling him a poop because he has a legitimate excuse for being gone (it doesn't involve wookies or ewoks). I have the habit of doing what I call "preemptive strikes". I picked this phrase up from the government, but when they use it, it means being all imperialistic, when I use it, it means I've done something stupid. Hum, actually they both sound like the same meaning to me. My point is I took over the blog when Miller disappeared and now that he is back he is welcome to once again grace The Black Project with his gorgeous photos and sparkling wit. Sorry Miller, I am a giant PPPPPPOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP!

So Much Fun!

So Miller has gone AWOL. It is now up to me to fill The Black Project with content. The reason we started the blog together is because there is only enough content inside my head to allow for an instruction manual on the making of sea monkeys (add water - done). Beyond that I run into problems. Any day now my retention capacity will be so bad that I'm going to start tattooing things I have to remember on my arms - like that guy on Memento. So if you run into some poor girl on the street with "Buy Tampons" in permanent ink on her arm, please do not mock, try to remember that she is burdened with sailing this ship alone.

Forgotten in his sugar-induced haze.

So Miller has been teaching me to develop my film and I have greatly appreciated his help. Last night he was supposed to help me with the printing process. I gave up a night of TV watching (which pained me greatly) and went to meet him, thing is - he never showed up. He is a giant piece of POOP! PPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPP! Unless he has a good excuse, like he was mistaken for a wookie and assaulted by ewoks.

The Chronicles of My Obsession or as I like to call it - The Chronicles of Nardia. Not because it makes sense, but because I like to say it - that and BOOTY CHA!

So I have an obsession, an obsession with collecting all unwanted items. The only criteria I have for these items is that they should be old, cheap and not smell like they have been crop-dusted. Other than that I am flexible. Anyone who knows me, knows I am the go to gal when they want to rid their homes of old unwanted items. They know that I will treasure these items and that they will bring me approximately two and a half days of joy, after which I will begin the search for new joy. I used to search the thrift stores for joy, until they became greedy. DAMN THEM AND THEIR COLLECTIBLES SECTION. Since when did a dinged-up dresser that smells like pee qualify as a collectible? Or for that matter any record by Glen Campbell. No offense to Glen but 80% of every thrift store's records are by him - him or that Humperdink guy. Anyhoo, here are some pictures of my latest acquisitions. What I need two old fridges for, I have no idea, but they fit the criteria.

The most beautiful laptop case ever.

I'm so happy I could pee!

Haiku Madness with Via and Jim!

He ate my popcorn
Snowflakes with butter on top
Damn his munchiness!

Neopolitan
I can't eat it - polyester
No way to digest

Bessez mon haikul
Is not only crummy French
A bad pun as well

Oscars

"CRASH"!?! REALLY!?! I honestly felt that "Brokeback Mountain" was a far superior movie. But then what do I know, I put ranch dressing on cheese.

Documentary of a life.

The love of Miller's life!

The love of Via's life!

Here is a post from Charmingjustcharming.blogspot.com.
I thought it was pretty much right on the money.

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very FatHugh frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

This entry is dedicated to my good pal Via. There is a bi*ch load of people out there who need to shut their mouths and only a handful of those who we should listen to!!!

Mach

Here are some of the pics I took from the area. Enjoy.

"'Manos': The Hands of Fate"

It seems to have become my fate to have every craptastic photo I try to take ruined by the stooges I call relatives. Their hands, when not in their pants, are in front of my lens. It makes me want to use my hands to smack them upside the heads no one ever gets to see because someone's HUGE PAW is always in the way!

Today the entries are particularly vile. But my friends, thats FACTS OF LIFE. Today I raise an interesting dynamic of the human psyche. Today while riding the bus to work I noticed an older gentleman on a seat several rows ahead of me. Everything was normal until I noticed he was in the mining industry. Before I knew it the entire finger was in the cave digging for lost treasure. He was a particularoly good miner, because in no time flat the lost treasure became found! Not only was he an expert miner, but a truly expert precious metalurgist. With each roll of the finger, new nuggets of gold were rolled into perfect spheres. Quite repulsive!!! Now the question I raise is this:

What is it about the human psyche that attracts us to witness incredibly repugnant events?

If you have any insight please drop a line.

Mach

From my dear sweet brother...

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

She's a Keeper!

I have noticed lately that many people, when you compliment them on their adorable child, have taken to saying, "I'll think we'll keep her/him/it." Were they ever considering not? Because saying that, even in jest brings up the mental image of some parent somewhere, whose child resembles a cave troll saying, "We're trading it in next week."

Super Bowl EXTRA LARGE

The Super Bowl is a splendiferous event at the Ferrata household. Screaming occurs (directed at each other not the TV - oh blessed TV), pepperonis are pinched, pouffy hair is made fun of (TAKE THAT POUFFY HAIR!!!!!!!) and someone always ends up in tears.

MLMs or in other words, Multi-Level Marketing is seriously the best way to make money. It is the only job in the world in which you can spend 10-15 hours per week in your own business and within one year generate over 250,000 thousand dollars per year. If you continue reading, I will offer you priceless advice how to achieve your financial goal. First you must sign up and invest in the product for a mere price of 350 dollars. Thats ok, since you WILL be making money soon. But first, lets not forget, to make money, you must spend money. For a small fee of 20 dollars, you will be enrolled into our monthly book/cd of the month club. Within the cd and book, a fortune of information awaits your c0nsumption. YES !!! Finally. You're your own boss. Nobody will tell you what to do. Wait. Oh yeah. You have to go to those meetings each week. Right now you are over 370 bucks, and will lose about 20 a month to costs. You will make money soon. Dont worry. And DO NOT LET ANYONE STEAL YOUR DREAMS

How not to let your dream get stolen:
1. No reading negative information regarding your "business"
2. No advice from anyone outside the "business"
3. No listening to your friends or neighbors, or family, especially if they are NOT IN THE BUSINESS!!!!

DREAM YOUR OWN DREAMS!!

Peace

This past superbowl will go down as one of the lamest, slowest, games of the rich 40 year history. I was personally rooting on the Hawks, for all the right reasons. Foremost, because seattle always sinks in sports championships. I would like to see the latte drinking, rain loving people of Seattle a victory. But, NO DICE!!! I mean, what the crap was Mike Holmgren thinking throughout the game. Pathetic play calling, finger pointing, and some weak, excuse for football plays ensued. The steelers, however, didn't do crap either. SInce the game was a waste, I mention the commercials. My favourite commercial of the Super Bowl was (FED EX) http://video.google.com/superbowl.html,

I think both teams should have gone home without the trophy. And as for the ROLLING STONES!!!!! PLEASE. Let's get some real entertainment. The half-time show was a pathetic joke. Aretha made it shades of better, but overall, it was LAMO!! What about some of the other artists from MOTOWN. Ted Nugent. If you are going to dig into the past, at least dig up someone who has EVOLVED with the times. I'm all about expression, but really, I was sick to my stomach. I'm convinced the price of seats at the game were high due to the cost of EMT's waiting on standby during the half time performance for the "sake of the entertainers."

So many artists from Detroit. Why can't we come up with one to represent?

A disgrace indeed.

Mach

This post is really just a thank you to the wonderful Think-Tank which devised the safety plan for the students of this prestigious learning mecca.

Take out your handbook boys and girls and turn to the yellow pages. Within the directives of "The Emergency Guide" you will find various instructions to ensure your safety in the event of a disaster. Let us review some of the instructions.

General Earthquake Instructions
1. Do NOT go sightseeing. Thank goodness for this directive. This is why tuition is so high. These thinktanks are NOT cheap.

2. Keep streets clear for emergency vehicles. Why do the emergency personnel get to go sightseeing and not us? Mind control I tell ya.

Thanks for reading this. Please, leave a comment. Swear at me. Hate me. Just OBEY the DIRECTIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I have two major life accomplishments. The time I slept for 18 hours in July and I wasn't even sick and my four word review of "The New World" made it onto fwfr.com. Check it out (the one posted by via) -http://www.fwfr.com/display.asp?ID=14348. Granted anyone who can string four words together gets posted, but an accomplishment is an accomplishment. Next up - viewing a picture of Paris Hilton without getting physically ill.

WELCOME TO THE BEASTIE BOYS SHRINE!!!

One of the all-time classics.

As an avid snowshoer, I often encounter exciting occurrences in the Mountains. Yesterday was quite eventful. As I was snowshoeing I encountered a man with shear terror in his eyes. He had been lost for hours, wading in snow oftentimes up to his chest. A snowboarder from southern California, he had lost himself in the rolling hills. The sun was going down. He had no food, no supplies, and no clue where he was located. Upon discovering my dog, screams announced his relief.

To all those who snowboard off the backside of anywhere.

Pack water and heat. And if your from LA heat refers to some fuel source for warmth, not a 9MM.

Machiavelli

Below are some of the television influences that have shaped me into a worse person.

1. Leave it to Beaver- I always tried to emulate Eddie. Did i miss the mark? I never was good at getting the point.

2. Night Rider- Since watching the show I have become accustomed to talking to my car. It never talks back. My shrink advises me to limit my conversation with the car to 2 minutes a day.

3. Our House- Ever watching the show I bark at people in public to "eat your oatmeal," "get your blood sugar checked often." I guess Wilford Brimley hasn't molded me into the ideal citizen. I don't have terrets, I just like to bark like Wilford.

4. Growing Pains- I want to name my future son Boner. Enough Said

Horoscope for the Day

If you spot a spotted owl at hooters - beware
your luck will change.

Recipie of the Month: Lumpy Marshmellow and Garlic Pudding

1 Cup Semi-sweet Chocolate-preferably English Chocoate
2Tb. Honey
3 Cups White granulated sugar
2 Cups Milk
4 Cloves Garlic or two teaspoons garlic powder
1 bag Jet-Puffed Jumbo Marshmellows

Mix all dry ingredients together at a slow pace.
Add milk.
Shake for ten minutes in a Kerr Jar.
Serve

"This recipie is sure to raise your spirits and lower your cholesterol." - Marsha Stewert

Horoscope according to Jim -

King Kong is your Father. Honestly, its true! He loves Flamingo shaped doorbells and always gives priority to grapes and trumpets. You should do the same, wench!

I see the world through one-way glass. I see laughter, hear happiness, and discover the world around me behind the cover of my one-way glass. Nobody can see me, hear me, or perceive my existence. That's the way I want it. Just to look out-that's the way I want it.


Mach

Overindulgences in sweating?

"I Wish I Knew How to Quit You!"

This weekend I went to see a fantastic movie and I discovered a new quote. My favorite quote. "I wish I knew how to quit you!" I've taken up shouting it at everything I overindulge in - Dr. Pepper, cheese, the space heater, procrastinating (I saw this movie on Saturday, I'm writing this post on Thursday), sweating and 'The Dave Chapelle Show' (on second thought F**K THAT, that s**t is funny!)

Why knowledge is not always a good thing: Just look at what it did to the dinosaurs.

Peace
MACHIAVELLI

Well, its been a day or so since I have written.

The code is the only update!

Baby Ferrata was fussy and needed her pacifier. Via turned to little nephew Ferrata and said, "Could you please find the pacifier for me?" Little nephew Ferrata immediately began a frantic search for Vin Diesel.

I did a lot of wheezing the juice this Festivus break!!!!! By the way, if you cook bean burritos in the 7-11 microwave....actually..lets just stop there. Don't cook bean burritos that you plan to eat in the 7-11 microwave.

VIVA FESTIVUS

As we do every year, the Ferrata family sits around the dinner table and has some laughs at expense of the kin folk. Via was regaling the group with a classic Gammy Anti-man story, the one where she says that all men should be castrated. Upon hearing the word "castrated" little 15 year old Ferrata gets a terrified look on her face and shouts, "You mean they lose their boobs!"

"Yes little Ferrata they lose their boobs, their crotch boobs."

BOOTY-CHA

A bit of advice ... Never start a "scaring war" with a full bladder unless you are quite adept at getting urine out of chinos.

Via would like some skills for Festivus!

Via Ferrata feels MAJOR envy upon discovering that Miller has purchased a sweet new camera. Her camera is LAME!

I've been going through a creative slump lately. The boilordion and ice piccolo have been silent. I blame Paul, he ate all my raisin bread.